Ramblings

• I love having a whole day in which to do whatever I see fit. No homework! I had a lovely long nap this afternoon. I do miss working in the clay, though.
• Superman and the kids got home from his parents' home last evening. I often forget just how loud and lively Sproing is until he comes back after a few days away. Things were peaceful here with just C and N and me. I'm glad Superman is home again.

Saw Diva yesterday. We had a meeting with her therapist and reps from two state mental health agencies (not agencies, exactly, I think, but something like it). The meeting was to plan for her leaving the Residential Treatment Facility (RTF). Ugh. I like her being there. She's safe, everyone else is safe, and I don't have to do much besides make some decisions and visit every couple of weeks. These agencies are here to help her transition back into the home. She isn't currently ready to leave the RTF, but she is making a lot of significant improvements (it seems).

Here's the thing: She's good at making improvements, or at least following the course for a while. Then when I'm feeling comfortable and beginning to trust her again she attacks. It has happened so very often that trusting her is extremely difficult. I need to see long-term evidence of genuine change. "Long-term" means that I don't want her in my home again until I can be sure. I'm thinking a couple of years. The state agencies are thinking within the first quarter of 2011. Don't know what we're going to do about this. I won't let worry consume me over this issue right now, but it's something that will work along in the back of my mind for a while.

• N and I made gingerbread men yesterday. We're supposed to decorate them today, but he slept late then stayed in his room most of the afternoon until C got home. I took a late nap and didn't wake up until 8:00 this evening. Now he and C are in their room watching a movie and I'm in my office doing this. It may still happen tonight, or it might get pushed to tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow.
• I got most of my Christmas gifts wrapped earlier this week when the family was away. Yesterday when I was in Columbia to see Diva I had the opportunity to do some more shopping. That's a good thing, as I hadn't found anything appropriate to give to C and N. Greenwood has a piss-poor selection of fabulous stores in which to buy fabulous gifts for fabulous gay young men. Yesterday I discovered World Market. Wow! I found so many fabulous gifts. I found something for Superman that he has wanted for a while, but I can't tell you what it is now because he reads this blog. :) I also won't tell you how much I spent there, because he reads this blog. :-p I even got a few things for myself, and found a plethora of great gifts for my gay guys. Most of their gifts smell good. I have a lot more wrapping to do now.
• I went to the dentist today to get my teeth cleaned. I love the feel of freshly professionally cleaned teeth, and I love getting a new toothbrush. Oh sure, I could buy myself a new toothbrush (and often do), but the toothbrushes I buy for myself aren't as thrilling as the one the dentist gives me. The ones from the dentist come engraved with the name of their practice. How fancy is that?
• Superman et al. were on their way home from points west in our little Aveo (Eva) yesterday when I went to Columbia. Manny is in very poor shape and I won't drive him out of town. So I rented a little Ford thingie... I forget. Hang on, let me look it up... Yeah, a Ford Focus. Nice little car I guess, but hardly memorable. Did have Sirius radio, though, which is cool. First time I've had a chance to try that out. Anyway, what I came to tell you about...

...is the rental experience. So I go to the En+erpr!$e place in town to pick up the car which I wisely reserved in advance. The young man doing the paperwork asks me where I am going in the car. I understand the need for that question. It's their car, they should know my plans for it. But he kept asking questions. It's a Southern thing, I guess, trying to be friendly. Or nosy. Or both. He asked why I was going to Columbia. I really don't think the company needs to know that, but whatevs. Told him vaguely that I was going to a meeting. Here's the thing: it's uncomfortable under those circumstances to discuss my mentally ill, institutionalized daughter. I was going to say "to discuss with strangers" but that's pretty much exactly what I do by writing about it on the blog! Hee hee. But this, for reasons I don't thoroughly understand, is different.

My 13 year old daughter is mentally ill. She has severe emotional problems. Does the guy at the rental car counter want to know that I'm going to a meeting with/for/about my 13 year old institutionalized daughter in which I try to convince state officials (of a sort) that she should not be placed back in our home for a while longer? I don't think so. I suspect such a discussion would have made him uncomfortable. It would have made me uncomfortable, which is why I didn't tell him anything.

My two youngest children have special needs. Yeah, they are eligible for the short bus. Thing is, they don't look like it. To see them, to talk to them, most of the time you wouldn't suspect anything amiss. Even when the boy is acting out his oppositional defiance in public, people usually see that as disobedience and a result of poor parenting. As for the girl, she's a sneaky freaky little bitch. (I say that as a loving parent, mind you.) She presents herself well in public until the demon takes over in a mad uncontrolled rage. That demon rarely shows, but the few times it has are frighteningly memorable. That shit leaves emotional scars on its victims, let me tell you. That shit is the reason I don't want her to live here.

Taking a thread from the previous paragraph: poor parenting. I've been accused, and have accused myself. I know I've made mistakes, chosen unwise actions at times. All parents do, to some degree. But I try not to. My intentions are generally good. Sometimes I use tactics that worked well with child 1 or 2 but fail miserably with child 3 or 4. That's a learning curve thing. The parenting of these special-needs children is especially challenging, of course. Their behavior, reactions, modes of interaction tend to inhibit good parenting. Really. I learned about that in my adolescent development class. Well, I learned it in the field, as it were, but my experience and understanding was validated in the course.

But difficult children aren't an excuse for poor parenting. I must continue to do the best I know how. I must continue to learn, to adapt to each child's individual needs. It's enough to drive a mother crazy, as has been demonstrated here many times. Just read the archives. Gawd-almighty, I'm tired.

Am I complaining too much? I don't mean this as a complaint. This is my forum to work this stuff out in my head. Writing it all out helps me process it in my mind. If you write a blog, you probably know what I mean.

It's late, I'm tired, and it's time for me to go to bed.