I saw the name "Felicia Patto" and at first glance my brain saw "Fellatio." I was amused, but I also blame you. You know who you are.
Earlier in the week, I forget which day it was, we had clear skies and cool wind. Most people around here were uncomfortably cold. I loved it! Before class I went to the hardware store. Oh my goodness gracious! What fun! I was pushing a cart through the wind in the parking lot and spontaneously let out a whoop. Inside, I looked at shelf after shelf of levels, screw drivers, drill accessories, and saw blades and laughed out loud.
On Thursday I tanked. I had an exam in Social Psychology that I didn't adequately prepare for (when have we heard that before?) and I did not do well. I'm not so motivated as I was before. Am I tired? Can I really do this? Should I really do this? I know that I can if only I will.
I know in the greater scheme of things, a low grade on a Social Psychology test isn't the end of the world. But it's important to me. The professor has posted the grades. I made a 73.5. She also sent out an email to the class. She's going to give us another opportunity to do a couple of the short answer questions. I guess I feel OK that I'm not the only one who choked, but honestly I could have done so much better if I'd applied myself to studying. I'd be more inclined to study if I like the subject better. Social Psychology can be kinda bogus sometimes. They study some interesting things, but often go about it in stupid ways.
I've been tired. Well, OK, that's my fault too. I stayed up way too late Tuesday night. I got what would have been sufficient sleep on Wednesday had I not gone into the night with a sleep deficit. By Thursday evening I was lower than a snake belly in a wagon rut. I had a good cry, and that helped a little bit.
Since Thursday I have felt not-of-this-world. I am not sane, in the sense of being like "normal" people. I may be feeling that artistic otherness, but without the ability to express myself in art. All I can say is that I'm not well. Or, as Matchbox 20 sings, I'm just a little unwell.
There is supposed to be some purpose to my life. I seem to have forgotten what it is, as if it slipped my mind. The harder I try to remember, the more elusive it gets.
This town is suffocating me. This state is suffocating me. * There is a remote possibility that I'm suffering "the grass is greener" syndrome, that these particular problems will follow me no matter where I take them. Of course some of my issues are stuck to me (literally, like a 150 lb tire around my midsection). Perhaps, though, if I get out of The South (TM) and find a culturally diverse, more populated area where the general intelligence quotient is a few points higher than here, perhaps that will give me something more to work with.
I'm disheartened.
Light is out of school for a brief break. She just finished the intense "Jan term" session, and her Spring semester begins on Tuesday. She and Superman left this morning for NW Georgia. They're visiting his parents, showing off some of her more recent artwork. I'm left here with Diva until tomorrow evening. It's so hard to relate to this girl. I don't trust her, not only to not steal my stuff, but I don't trust her with my heart. Whenever I make an effort to connect to her for some genuine mother/daughter time, she hurts me.
Superman's dad is not in good health. He had a kidney removed last year, and his remaining kidney isn't functioning very well at all. The nutritionist they consulted told him that he was fine eating his normal diet, which is a bald face lie. They saw his nephrologist last week, and he blanched when they told him what the nutritionist said. So his diet is now grossly restricted. Dad is seriously questioning his quality of life right now. How much is it worth to go on living without the pleasure of pecan pie? That might sound trite, but it represents a larger question. He has said he refuses to undergo kidney dialysis. If his kidney fails, he'll just go to sleep and not wake up. He asked the doctor about the nature of a death from kidney failure. The doc says it's one of the easier ways to go. I think he's looking forward to it. As much as I dislike Superman leaving me here, especially with the children, I realize it's important for him to visit his dad now. He won't have many more chances. Although I do not get along well with his parents, I nevertheless have a great deal of respect for them and value the relationship they have with their son.
* I assume you've all heard about our Lt. Governor, Mr. Andre Bauer. He stuck his big foot in his mouth this week, saying in essence that we should not subsidize the lunches of underprivileged school children because those poor dumb people breed like stray animals. If we don't feed them, they'll go away. Yesterday he apologized for his unfortunate analogy, but stands by the message. I don't know what he really means, but I think he's a dumb f#<%. He is currently running for governor, as the illustrious Mark "Appalachian Trail" Sanford is in his final term as governor. If Bauer is elected, I'm going to bail on this state, I swear. If the soon-to-be-former Mrs. Sanford were to run for governor, I might vote for her. She seems the sanest one of the bunch, though her politics are a bit too much on the conservative side for my taste.
