A little bit crazy

Or perhaps a little bit more than just a little bit crazy. It's been an interesting few days. Do I have the words to express it?

But first, let me rant about computer viruses or whatever the hell is happening to my internet browsing experience. For the past two days I have tried to write a new post, but when I try to reach this window, I am redirected to a blank page. Is anyone else dealing with this mess? I'm not the only one in my house who's having this trouble. I don't know enough about computers and interwebz and shit to know where or what the problem is.

Been having a few rough days. Craziness abounds. Sproing will pull one of his annoying oppositional tricks, and I end up crying, or hiding in my room, or taking my anxiolytic and going to sleep, or some combination of these actions. I'm supposed to be stronger than this. I'm supposed to be able to stand my ground and give him direction. Of course, he's supposed to behave better than that. Right now my brain is all messed up about this. We have had a few good moments here and there, but it's been a rough few days.

The real fun involves C. He has a new boyfriend. They fell in love over the internet and telephone before meeting in person. They live 112 miles from each other. The BF lives near where Twitch goes to school. I drove C up there on Saturday to meet his new sweetheart, since I was going there to bring Twitch home anyway. (Twitch finished his school term and is home for a few weeks.)

Complications ensue, of course. They BF is not quite 18 yet. His birthday is in mid October. He has another year of high school before he graduates. C is 4.5 years older. It isn't a big age difference in the long run, but right now it's tricky. The BF's mom is a control freak, and only recently discovered that her baby boy is gay. She saw a text message that clued her in, she had a talk with him, she cried, and she has spent the last few weeks pretending it isn't happening. Now her baby boy is spending all his free time IMing C or talking to him on the phone. I have no idea what mother dear thinks she's going to do about this.

She did agree to let him meet C at a local mall. He told her that he and C were friends. She's got to be really stupid if she believes that. I dunno, she might be really stupid. I was there. I met the mother. I didn't talk to her long, though, and didn't get a good feel for her attitude one way or the other. The boys got a chance to hang around together without mothers hovering. They wandered around the mall by themselves for a couple of hours. I hear they found a few semi-private places to steal a few kisses. Reports are that the BF is a really good kisser.

Right now it's all emo. "I want to be with him." It's all C can think about. He's a goner. They are making plans to be together once the BF turns 18. It's very dramatic, and I'm enjoying the show. Sometimes my life reads like a bad dime store novel.

I mentioned recently that we are being encouraged by Sproing's therapist to implement this behavior modification program in the household. I read the book. I had Light read it. Superman is supposed to read it, but has been slow in doing so. To his credit, he has tried, and there are a whole bunch of other things that demand his attention. The book is poorly written, which of course makes it painful to read. The actual behavior program is not bad, per se, and there is a mixture of good and bad advice in the book. Really, it's a pain in the ass to read. The program makes lots of promises. If done correctly, it will (so says the author) "fix" all the behavior problems of everyone in the household. By extension, if it doesn't fix everything, we must not be doing it correctly. He doesn't say that, but that's what I hear.

The author also says that we must follow the program whether we feel like it or not. Yeah. I get the importance of consistency. It's not consistency I'm so worried about. No, I'm more worried about insanity. Mine. I can do what I must whether I feel like it or not, when I am able to. I'm not entirely well. I have issues. Depressive episodes occasionally cripple me. There are times when I am reduced to tears under the stress of deciding which of two breakfast cereals to have in the morning. As I mentioned, it's been a rough couple of days, and I have cried a lot.

(I'm tired, and rambling on, and have no idea what I am saying, but that won't stop me.)

If we can get this program going, it will make some things much simpler. There won't be decisions, because the rules and consequences are prearranged. There are rules, and rewards for following them and negative consequences for disobeying them. Cut and dried. We make all the decisions beforehand, when we set up the system for our particular household. And ideally we are not in the midst of an emotional crisis when these rules and decisions are made, so we can think clearly. That's where I need Superman's strength, because I'm a mess.

Speaking of thinking clearly, I was earlier. I'm not so much now. I'm going to post this as-is, and hope that it's not a total clusterfuck. I might not read it again tomorrow. I'm already afraid of it. I'm tired now, will go to bed as soon as I shut down this stupid computer. Goodnight.