I sent off the application package to the school where we hope to send Sproing. It was at the same time hard and easy. He's been a big pain this week. He was suspended for three days. Thursday, Friday, and again on Monday he's not allowed at school. Superman has had to take time off from work to stay with him. It's either that or I miss classes. School is the only thing that is keeping me slightly sane right now. And frankly, it isn't doing a good job of that. He's being a royal pain in the ass now. I'm about to smack his pouty little face.
We don't know what to do with these children. Nothing works. We've been so inconsistent with our approach to discipline and parenting because we can't figure out what the hell to do. It's time for someone else to take over for a while. We need to heal. We're broken.
And Diva was sent home from school yesterday. She blew up at another student, made threats to kill that student and to kill herself. She's being manipulative. She's way too selfish to be serious about suicide. Homicide, on the other hand, I wouldn't put past her. I don't expect her to kill anyone, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised if she did. I did expect her to become sexually active, I just thought it would happen later than it did. She needs serious professional help. I ain't that professional. Hell, I need serious professional help.
I'm in such pain. It was so hard to get out of bed this morning. Showering felt good, but now I'm at my desk and can hear the kids. I can barely lift my arms. Breathing is a chore. Making complete sentences is a chore, too. I don't know if this missive makes any sense or says what I want to say. I don't know what I want to say. I can't think. And I've got a lot of homework to do today, so I'd better get my brain in gear. I don't know if that's possible.
That's all there is. That's all that there are words for. The rest is just pain: black, angry red, swirling and bubbling, spitting acid. It burns.
8 comments:
Java, sorry you are having such a difficult day. I can't imagine how you and Superman get through the days. Hopefully soon the two kids will be somewhere else and you two can have some much needed time and space. You two deserve a major break. Just imagine coming home to a quiet house where everything is where you left it. It's peaceful and there are not any calls from the kids school to deal with . . .just you and superman, having a nice dinner and you feeling relaxed to get any homework done. Keep you eyes on that target. Hope your day gets better.
There are no words, just bear hugs a-plenty which do absolutely no good right now cause I'm not there to give them to you. So here is my advice; stand in the middle of the living room and scream, and scream, and scream. Scream until your voice is hoarse, cry until there are no more tears then go and make a cup of tea, sit down in your office and smile. Don't answer any questions, don't complain or explain, just smile. Then go on as if nothing has happened. Oh! Don't open a window until AFTER you've done all the screaming but DO open one afterwards to let all the negativity out. Don't ask me how I know this works, it just does.
I'm sorry hon. Sending hugs.
When the inevitable doubts arise about whether your children need someone else, remember this moment. You will be tempted to blame your own failure, but remember this moment. You will begin to think there was just something you didn't know, but remember this moment.
Sweetheart, you're done. Go through the motions until someone else takes over. Keep them as safe as you can, but do not accept responsibility for their actions. They are making these choices in spite of your parenting, not because of it. Hugs and prayers.
Thistle Incarnates
May the light of Deity shine on you, dear one. And if you need us, call upon us. We are here.
I hope things will get better for you soon. Try to concentrate on your studies. Hopefully, the children will get into the appropriate programs and that will give you some relief. It seems like these children are a never ending drama for you. Hang in there.
BIG HUG for you!
i echo everyone else's good thoughts being sent your way. lots of alohas to you!
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