I'm not much of a party animal

Tonight was the night of the one party I go to, the annual Halloween bash at the home of a friend. It started years ago as a party for her small children. The children have grown, and the party reflects that change - somewhat. I adopted 2 kidlets who are now 9, and she had a late-in-life "surprise" who is now 6 (I think). There are a couple of other regulars who also have younger kids. It is challenging to host a party that entertains older teens/young adults without being too "informative" for the younger ones. I usually end up laughing a lot. She's a great party planner and hostess.

But I didn't go. I used the excuse that I was getting over that day of sick, was too tired. But really, I probably could have gone. I'm not that tired. I just have trouble getting out of the house and being with, you know, people. Once I'm out I usually function pretty well. Is it the fear of leaving home, the fear of being with other people, the fear of being in a different space?

I have good days and bad days. On bad days I can't go to the grocery store. Can't go into Wal-Mart. But even on good days it is hard for me to attend social events, such as this party. Today has been an introspective day. I've been playing with my blog friends all day, reading blogs and posting comments. You guys are safe. I can visit with you from my nest on my bed, in my old ugly purple nightgown. Honestly, today I haven't even left the bedroom. Superman has brought me food. The children have come to visit me. I often have days like this. I think it is probably not healthy, but I am afraid to change.

Today whilst reading Cooper's blog I was inspired to take a walk. Inspired, but not moved. I stayed on my fat butt and read about his walks through the woods with his two adorable little boys. (Really, if you aren't familiar with Cooper's Corridor, you must visit him!)

Now I feel bad about not going to the party. This is the first one I've missed in over 5 years. But I just couldn't go. Tomorrow is Sunday, and there is a lovely little Episcopal church just south of downtown (our downtown is two whole blocks long!) that I'd like to attend. I keep intending to go. I keep not going. My excuses: I stayed up too late Saturday night and am too tired to go; I'm too fat to go out in public; I have nothing to wear to this proper little church; I feel uncomfortable with the class of people who attend. (It's a higher class of folks, you know, and I am more of a red-neck butch bitch.) It all boils down to bullshit. But I'm stuck in a mire of bullshit.

And that's all I have to say about that.