It's getting worse - do you really want to read this? Feel free to move along to the next blog on your list. I don't mind.

As I begin this post, it is 3:11 p.m. My father-in-law has been in surgery for just over an hour. He is having half of one of his kidneys removed. Superman is there in Chattanooga with his family, and has been away from home since Saturday morning. I am at home with Sproing and Diva. Light left home Thursday evening to spend the weekend with Cameron and Lady Grace Dreamweaver, and won't be home until tonight or tomorrow.

I'm setting the stage here, just stating some facts, trying to get a clear picture of what's going on. My fingers are thinking out loud, so this may ramble a bit. (As opposed to most of my posts, when I ramble a lot.)Have patience, or don't read; whatever you wish. It doesn't matter to me.

This is the final week of classes for the summer semester. I have two final exams this week, and one more writing assignment due in economics. In statistics, my quiz grades have been dropping. I was making A's there for a while, but the last three or four quizzes have been B's and C's. The frustrating thing about that is that I think I understand it, but the quiz grades show otherwise. I got a B on the last test. I want an A. I always want an A.

I had a 1:00 appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon, but wasn't able to make it because I was at home talking to the kind police officer who came by to "do" a report (or whatever those things are) on Sproing and Diva. Investigate a new claim? Process a new complaint? Whatever works, that's why he was here. Yes, I said "new." This has nothing to do with the vandalism of last week, or the $300 theft. I think the theft victim isn't going to file a complaint. We'd have heard something about it by now, I think. Besides, he was visiting from out of town and has gone back to Arkansas now. Have I gotten off track with this paragraph? Time for a new one.

The poor, sweet little old lady who lives next door (on the south side) filed a complaint against our children. I don't blame her a bit. They are vile little scamps. This neighbor is not the one who had $300 stolen from her home. That neighbor lives on the north side of us. The south neighbor didn't have any one specific complaint, but a series of little things that have added up over the months (nay, years). I don't remember what the officer called this complaint. Not vandalism, since it's mostly just mess, nothing broken enough to consider it vandalism. I don't know. I think this paragraph is bogging down, too. Next!

Oh, here's another item to add to the things-currently-causing-stress-for-Java list. I got a text from Twitch yesterday. One of the other three guys with whom he shares an apartment thinks that Twitch's twitches are maliciously intentional. A brief review: Twitch, age 18, first quarter in college, has Tourette's Syndrome with accompanying tics. Hence the name "Twitch." He does. And it's annoying. His apartment mate "J" thinks Twitch is doing this just to annoy, and doesn't believe that it's a medical/neurological condition. (Medical? Neurological? Other? I don't know.) Twitch told "J" that the tics bother him as much if not more than they bother everyone else, and he can't really stop them. I'm not sure what will come of all this, and I'm not going to get involved if I don't need to. This is one of those things Twitch needs to work out on his own. I talked to my dad about it yesterday, though, and he recommended that Twitch go to the school counseling office (or something like that) and see about how best to work it out. I intend to pass on that recommendation to Twitch. Otherwise, I'm staying out if it.

So, everyone else is out of town, and I'm here alone with Diva and Sproing. They are under house-arrest (per my command, not by order of the legal authorities) (yet) and obviously cannot be trusted to be left alone at home. (One may wonder if it's safe to leave them here with me, but that's a blog post for another time.) I have statistics class from 10 - noon, Monday through Thursday. So, last night I called my sweet boy S (see side bar, cast of characters) to see if he would come stay with them while I was in class. He was available, and willing to help out. Bless his heart! He and C are currently without transportation, so I put the kids in the truck and drove over to get him this morning. It was so good to see him! It's been a while. He follows the blog, so he knew what has been going on.

We got here and I showed him around a bit, showed him the room they used to occupy. It looks very different now. Light had her way with it. That's the room she and I share now, with my office taking up some of the space. Anyway, I told him what the kids could (not much) and couldn't (a lot) do, then left for class.

All this while I have my father-in-law (FIL) on the brain. I'm waiting for a text from Superman to tell me when he goes into surgery. During class I looked at my phone to see if there were any messages, and saw that I'd missed a call from home. Hmmm. S knows I'm in class, and wouldn't call unless it was something serious. Still, I didn't check with him until class was over. Alas, he called because the nice police officer wanted to talk to me. When he couldn't get me, he called Superman, who of course couldn't rush right over to take care of things, being, as he is, in Chattanooga, Tennessee. The officer left, promising to return between 12 and 12:30. Do you remember the part about me having an appointment with my psychiatrist at 1:00? I probably need to see my shrink right about now.

However, I have a legal responsibility at home, so I came home to wait for the police officer. When he still wasn't here by 12:20, I called the shrink's office to reschedule. Unfortunately, their phone line is closed from 12 to 1 every day, so I couldn't get through. I won't be able to get through until time for my appointment. If I don't call in advance to cancel my appointment, I get charged for the visit even if I don't show up. I can't call, because they don't answer their phones. I had no clue before 12:00 that I wouldn't make it to the appointment. I had arranged with S to be with the kids so I could see the doctor. AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!

The police officer got here around 12:40. We talked. He listened to me (!) unlike the young buck who showed up last week. This guy is a little older, and the father of 4 children himself. The whipper-snapper who came last week is young, and (I asked today's officer) has no children of his own. Last week the young guy wouldn't listen to me, and essentially blamed me for my children's behavior. Stress.

Aside: To my dear, most beloved regular readers, I am about as honest and forthright as I can be on this forum. I have chronicled the misadventures of these children for the past 1.5 (or so) years I've been writing this here bloggie thing. I believe I have established that I do not condone their mischievous or criminal behavior. I actively discourage it. I punish them for it. From your perspective, is this a true and accurate statement?

Picking up where we left off...

Today's representative from the city police force was a kind and patient man. He let me explain our situation, about how we've been trying to get help for the kids for a couple of years, about how they have been under psychiatric care with counseling for at least two years, and that we are in the process of seeking further, different treatment for them since (obviously) what we've done so far hasn't had the desired effect. I told him that I had taken away everything except their bedding, including their clothes so that they wouldn't sneak out of the house. He seemed surprised that they would sneak out even when they were grounded. He was nice, he sympathized, he encouraged us to continue in our efforts to get help for them. We will be apprised of the court date, and yada yada yada. I thanked him very much.

I just got a call from Superman. At 4:45 FIL was out of surgery. The doctors took the whole kidney, which made the surgery easier. FIL is doing well so far, is in recovery, awake, etc. The oncologist filleted the kidney and found that the tumor was very very close but not invading the renal artery. It was a very aggressive tumor, had doubled in size since they first found it two months ago. Superman said it was the kind of tumor that has a casing around it (none of this means anything to me, but I'm relaying it anyway, just in case) and is not likely to have metastasized. Taking the whole kidney was the right move, though.

FIL had an ablation (?) to his other kidney two months ago. There were some smaller places in that one, and they zapped 'em with a probe. I have a lot less information about that, obviously. At any rate, there may be enough of a problem with his kidney function now that he might have to go on dialysis, and he is very much against that idea. We won't know for a little while. I don't know anything else.

Let's return to our previous discussion. After the police officer left, we drove S home and came right back here. The young criminals went back to their rooms. After taking a few minutes to reflect, I went to talk to each of them individually. I'll tell you about those discussions in the next post. This one is already way too long.

The plan of attack ::UPDATED::

We are just about to go out and have a talk with S and C.  This is the outline Superman and I have written.  We've printed two copies.  I'll be back with updates when the dust settles.  Wish us luck!!

I can’t believe you had the gall to say what you said to me last night.

I owe you no explanations.  No justifications.  At all.

Let’s get this boundary thing worked out. You live in my house. You live in this house by our good graces. You live in this house contingent upon our willingness to allow you to stay. 

As you mentioned, I am not your mother. 

I am under no obligation whatsoever to care for or support you. You, however, have an obligation to treat me with the respect due someone who is supporting your lifestyle in nearly every way.

You are an adult and should be treated as one.

We have done you a grave disservice by allowing you this much leeway in this living arrangement. Effective immediately you will adhere to these requirements.

You will be awake during the day and sleep at night.   (Awake by 7:00 a.m.)

You are now in charge of lawn care to our standards.  We will establish these standards and put them in writing. 

You will clean the kitchen completely before 10:00 every night, and no cooking will take place after 9:00.  (“Completely” will be further defined in another document.)

You will enroll in some program to further your education by September 10, 2008.  I strongly recommend Genesis Academy.*

You will submit a minimum of 5(five) job applications every week until employment is secured.

If you do not abide by these rules, there will be a series of fines imposed upon you.

First offense - $10

Second offense - $25

Third offense - $50

If non-compliance continues to be a problem, you will need to make other living arrangements.  If it comes to that, you will be given 30 days notice to vacate.

It's my house, so I get to do what I want. It's not your house, so you don't. It’s as simple as that.  Don't like the rules, go get your own house. **

* The location of the adult ed program run by the public school district

**This is what Tornwordo said in his comments on the previous post.

================UPDATE=================

I'm having a bit of formatting trouble with this post.  That's what happens when I copy/paste from a word document.

Well, we just had our little discussion.  We sat at the picnic table in the backyard so the boys could smoke.  I'm not going to drop this bomb on them without allowing them that stress relief.

I think the whole thing went quite well.  The two of them sat on one side of the table, Superman and I on the other.  I handed S a copy of the above decree, and Superman and I had one in front of us.  I pretty much read it off the paper.  As I was expressing the sentiments in the first two sections he was reading ahead.  I stopped and asked if he had a firm grasp of what I meant. Did he understand where I am and who I am, and what his position is in this arrangement?  He was looking at the paper.  I said "S!"  huh? I was reading.  

asshole

So I took the paper away from him and repeated myself from the beginning.  Did he understand?  Yes, he said with a sarcastic smile.  I gave him back only the first page, folded so he could only read the next little section.  We went over that.  He made a face, and I said "Don't try to make excuses."  He admitted there were none.  I continued.  That was about the last thing he said.  Which is good!  It shows me that he is taking me seriously.  He's not trying to play those games he was attempting last night.

We went on almost to the end, and showed him the lawn mowing rules.  (they simply state he will mow the lawn, front, sides, and back, once every week, and trim around the various installations throughout the yard when he's finished mowing.)  

I did not read the penalties to him.  He was reading those himself.  That last one was a shocker, it seems.  He didn't say anything, just turned the page so C could see it and pointed to it.  There were some moments of uncomfortable silence.  [I wasn't a bit uncomfortable, frankly :)  ]  I then suggested to Superman that we leave them to mull this over.  So we did.  The whole thing took probably less than five minutes.  

So there's more to come.  I'll listen when they are ready to discuss it.  I have no idea what their response will be.  But rest assured, I will report it all here.  Stay tuned.

Please Advise

I'm flummoxed.  And appalled.  It's S.

I'm concerned about his lack of motivation and initiative.  I feel some of that has been influenced by me coddling him, not being as demanding as I should be.  He is responsible for his actions entirely, of course, but I'm afraid I make life too easy for him.  

He is 18 years old, will be 19 in November.  He dropped out of high school about a year ago.  He has been employed twice in the past 18 months (more or less), both times for a fairly short period.  After he got himself fired from the last job he has not earnestly looked for work.  He will deny that.  Yes, he's looked for work, but not earnestly.  He doesn't want to work.  

He also hasn't done anything significant about getting his GED.  He talks a big talk, but there's nothing to show for it.  There are a few different places in town he can go to get ready for the GED.  At least one of them is free.  There is a cost for the test, and his current excuse is that he doesn't have the money to register for it.  It all boils down to the fact that he just hasn't made much effort.

So what does he do if he's not working or going to school?  Mostly, he stays up all night playing video games or the card game Magic.  Then he sleeps most of the day.  Occasionally he'll do a bit of his and C's laundry, and he likes to cook.  He baked a few pies last night, and left some of his dirty dishes in the sink.  Recently he hasn't been leaving as many dirty dishes in the kitchen.  But he doesn't thoroughly clean when he's finished, either.   

S is cute and charming, but that doesn't go far enough in real life.   His greatest talent is making excuses.  He's very good at it.  And I get so frustrated with him that I often don't know how to respond.

We have a counter in our laundry room for the purpose of folding clothes.  Mostly what happens, though, is that stuff gets pulled out of the dryer and piled on the counter to wrinkle and get dusty.  It had gotten pretty bad again, so I had Diva and Sproing clean off the kitchen table, then Superman told S and the young'uns to get everything off the counter and take it to the table, where they were then to fold it all.  All of them.  S dug through the pile and got his things, then tried to escape to his room.  I told him he needed to help fold all of it.  He argued and made excuses, saying that over half of the stuff in the pile had been theirs, so most of it he was going to fold in his room.  

That wasn't my point.  I want for him to take a more active role in household maintenance.   He needs to make a larger contribution.  Not just to take care of "his" stuff, but to help out throughout the place.  He needs to earn his keep, basically.

Remember the thing about them paying rent?  Guess what.  They didn't pay the $50 they owed on the 21st of last month.  S mowed the yard, and we took that in exchange for $15 of it.  Superman said that on the remaining $35 there will be interest, compounded daily.  (I don't remember how much)  What they plan to do right now is pay for last month, this month ($75) and next month ($100) all at once when C gets his college loan check.  That is supposed to arrive on the 15th, a week from Monday.  That's NOT the way it's supposed to work out.  The plan was for them to get serious about looking for gainful employment, not to pay us with borrowed money.  And really, only C got real worried when we started charging rent.  S didn't seem to care much.  I don't know his true feelings, but I saw no change in his actions, so what does that mean?

But I digress.  Here's where I need some specific advice.  Tonight when I was arguing with S about folding the clothes, he got all sassy with me.  He said I am not his mother.  I said no, but you are living in my house.  He said "don't patronize me," and the next words he spoke to me were patronizing.  I pointed out that he is neither working nor continuing his education, therefore he needs to be more involved working around here.  And then he had the gall to accuse me of sitting around doing nothing!  I said to my husband, who was in the room also, I said "Honey?  Did you hear that!?"  He turned and laughed at S, and said "No, no, you do not understand."  I don't remember exactly what he said after that, but the upshot is that S went in to help the other kids fold clothes.  I'm steamed.  

And shocked beyond words.  How do I respond to that?  OMG.  I don't think it necessary to defend myself.  It is true, for the last few months I haven't been very active around the house.  I've been on the computer, blogging mostly, since I quit driving the bus last spring.  I've also had a mild nervous breakdown or two.  I'm looking for myself.  I've spent the last 25 years working to raise these kids and care for this family.  Who the hell is he to question my activities when he is living in my home under my good graces??  

Superman has been chewing on this as well.  He just informed me that he's decided S will mow the lawn, front and back, every week.  And he will clean up the kitchen every day.   

Honestly, I don't think I should defend myself against S's accusation that I am not doing anything.  It is totally beside the point.  A diversionary tactic of his.  What do you think?  Besides which, just this week I have begun to be more active around here.   He isn't aware that I applied to Lander.  And I'm not going to parade that information out just to show I've not been idle.  OMG.  The gall.  And I'm rambling again.

In summary:

• How should I respond to his accusations and excuses?
  
• Should I defend my recent level of activity?
  
• What next?

An upsetting evening

I have two items of bad news, and I'm not sure which one to share first. I'll tell you in the order Superman told me.

Our dog Ruby died. She was outside for her late evening constitutional and was evidently hit by a car. There are no obvious signs of blunt trauma on her body, but her neck appears to be broken. I think it was quick and relatively painless. She was an old girl, about 15, and in poor health. Her hearing and sight were just about gone, and the way she moved indicated she had arthritis. She has not been very comfortable for months now. This is an ugly way for her to go, but in a way I'm relieved she's out of her misery. It was soon going to be time to consider putting her down. The decision has been taken out of our hands now. May she rest in peace.

C is in jail tonight. What I heard was that he was riding in a car with two or three other friends and they were pulled over by law enforcement for speeding. One of the guys in the car had been smoking pot and the officer smelled it. So all of them were arrested and taken to the county lock-up. S said C hadn't been smoking pot, and he's probably telling the truth. The law in this state is written such that in these situations, everyone gets arrested. I don't know what will happen. S has gone to spend the night with one of his friends, and I think the friend's mother will take them down there tomorrow and see what can be done. I have no earthly idea what to do or think. I fear, though, that C will lose his state scholarship. We have an "education" lottery, and he is/was receiving scholarship money for at least part if not all of his tuition. I know that he could lose the scholarship, but don't know the law well enough (at all) to know the details of what exactly has to happen for it to be taken away. Does he need to be convicted? If so, of what? If he wasn't imbibing in the drug himself, what exactly can they arrest him for besides suspicion?

Anyway, there are a lot more questions than answers right now, and my brain is reeling from the onslaught of grievous news. That is all.

Progress

What is today, Wednesday? Right. Well, on Monday evening Superman and I had "the talk" with C and S. Knowing it would be stressful for them, I convened the meeting outside and suggested they get their cigarettes.

This of course is one of the issues. Did I show you this before? That's all their crap, and this isn't all of it. This is the front patio, right there in the front of the house. This isn't all of the mess, either. I told S a month ago to clean up the trash they'd left around the front stoop. Lots of fast food containers and stuff. He did. He put it in a plastic grocery bag and left the bag there on the grass beside the steps. AARRRRRRGGHHHHHH!

So we discussed the messiness and general lack of respect for persons and property. Superman told them it's going to stop. Now.

We also set up a payment schedule. That's where they pay us, not the other way around. We've put out a lot of time, effort, and cash on these guys over the past two years. I don't regret it at all. But it's time for some adjustments. Their rent of $50 is due the 21st of August, one month from Monday. On 21 September they will pay us $75, and in October, $100. At the end of October we will reevaluate the situation and see if we need to make changes. Superman and I will at that time decide if the rent keeps going up $25 each month. I didn't want to set things too solid too far ahead.

This is about growing up. This is about shouldering more responsibility and working toward independence. We are making these demands now because we love them. I have known ever since before Light was born that the duty of a parent is to work herself/himself out of a job. It is not healthy for young adults of C (20) and S(18)'s age to be so dependent on their families. C will be a junior when college starts in late August. He has a job now, but only works 2 days a week, and I don't think those are 8 hour shifts. He might have 8 to 12 hours of work each week. He wants more, but right now that's what the manager is giving him.

S dropped out of high school last fall, his senior year. He has had a couple of jobs, but nothing recently. The first job he quit, but I don't feel too bad about that. He was working fast food and his manager was treating him unfairly, not giving him the tools he needed to do his job and blessing him out because he didn't do it right. We aren't sure exactly why she singled him out for mistreatment. We suspect she disliked him because he was gay, white, or male. Any of those qualities, or maybe the combination, was very likely her excuse. Whatever. He quit.

The other job loss I fault him for. He was waiting tables at IHOP and was pushing the envelope of acceptable behavior, primarily in his non-working hours. He and his friends would hang out there when he wasn't on duty. It got ugly, and not only is he no longer working there, but he and C are banned from ever entering that store again. He's an idiot. He's a teenager.

For the past 6 months or more he has not worked or been in school. We've encouraged him to get his GED or go through adult ed and get a diploma. He pretends to work on the GED thing sometimes. He says if he had $50 for the registration, he'd go take the GED test now. But as for now he just lays around all day playing card games, goofing around on the computer, and sleeping. We told him Monday that he needs to work. Now. Quit pussy-footing around. Get out there and work to find a job. Because $50 is due in my hot little hand in 4 weeks!

They are falling behind in their payments to other creditors, too. The cell phone service was cut of Monday, C discovered during our conversation. They have a credit card (the fools) and are behind in that payment. C started to protest the rent idea, saying "Do you know how much we owe other people right now?" It was hard for me to do, but I was psyched for it. I said "It doesn't matter. That's what being a grown up is all about. Yes, it's hard. Make it work." He protested "Yes it does matter!!" No, you are missing my point. Yes, it is important for you to pay your debts. If things aren't working out financially right now then you need to change what you are doing. Get an additional job if you can't get the hours you need at the current job. He likes the job he's got, and doesn't want to leave it. He wants to work it more!! But maybe he'll have to get another. And S certainly needs to get off his ass and help make a living here. I suggested S readjust his standards about what kind of job he is willing to do.

The whole discussion went better than I had feared. I was calm, loving but firm. Superman kept his cool. Neither of the boys freaked out. C is the more responsible of the two, and he takes it more seriously than S does. He didn't get over emotional. S really needs to feel the heat on this one, to get motivated to break out if his sedentary ways. I'm not sure if he felt the fire.

I feel very good about the whole thing. Now we need to maintain our firm stance and follow through, all of us. Your prayers are welcome!

Cuteness, craftiness, and conjecture

What we have here is a picture of a smug little boy who is proud of his dimple. As well he should be. This dimple is a fairly new addition to the features of his mahogany face. I always thought dimples were there when a person is born. You are born with dimples or not. This is not always true, I have discovered.
This is the story of how Sproing got his new dimple. Sometime earlier this year, maybe 4-6 months ago, he and Diva were rough-housing in the living room. It wasn't a particularly friendly scuffle, if I recall. The boy fell (or was thrown) off the sofa and his cheek hit the corner of the coffee table. Big ouch. His cheek swelled up pretty badly. It probably bruised, but I've never been good at identifying a bruise on this boys skin. It's darker than it looks in this picture. His flesh has a reddish undertone, too, which camouflages a bruise. The cheek was swollen and sore for a couple of days, then got better.
A month or two after the injury I was talking to Sproing and noticed the dimple. I thought to myself "That's a cute dimple. I bet he was adorable with that dimple when he was a baby... Wait, I've had this boy since he was a 4 day old baby. This is a new dimple!"
And by now of course, being the charmer he is, he has learned how to incorporate the dimple into his charm show. As Grandma would say, "He's a caution!"

And guess what Superman is holding!?!? Yes, this is the new motor he bought to replace the old dead one in the air conditioner. He got it for about $85 at a supply place down the street. He says it's a better, more efficient motor than the one we had. If it works, I'm happy.
See the wires he's holding in his left hand? There are more wires on this motor than on the old one. Oops. He knows it will work, but isn't sure exactly how to wire it into the a/c unit. So I ask him, is Batman is available to assist? Well, Batman left for a week's vacation yesterday. (the yesterday of this conversation, which happened late last week)

However, all is not lost. Superman called on another of his very handy friends. (leave name suggestions in the comments) That's his fuzzy head up there^. I took this picture from the window in Diva's room. He and Superman worked to very good effect,
and got our a/c working again!!! Yes!! This fella is my He-ro for the weekend. That was Saturday. When we went to bed Saturday night it was much more comfortable in the house, though still a bit warm. This (Sunday) morning the house was blissfully cool.

On to other things

Diva and Sproing have been playing in the little wading pool I bought right after the a/c went out this last time. They have had a rollicking good time, mostly, when they aren't fighting and screeching horribly mean things to each other. I gave Light my camera so she could surreptitiously take some shots of them playing nicely.

I love the above shot. That's Diva's wet head you see, but that huge splash (good work, Light) is all Sproing's doing. Very impressive.
It's hard to tell what they are doing in this picture. They are having fun, playing nicely together, and not complaining to me, so I'm happy with it.
In other news
There's nothing new about this. This is how C and S have left our front stoop. These cigarette butts and the empty soda bottle have been here for a while now. The boys spend a lot of time avoiding the rest of us. It's been so hot this past week I think they spent a lot of time at the homes of other friends. I hardly ever see them anymore. When they are here they are either asleep in their room, or up playing cards, eating my food, and dirtying my kitchen when the rest of us are asleep.
Superman had a talk with them recently. Light's bedroom is right off the kitchen where they spend a lot of their time late at night (all night). Light is a light sleeper. (no pun intended, but it works, doesn't it?) Superman told the boys that there will be no more game playing in the kitchen at night. They need to keep diurnal hours when they are here. To my knowledge there have been no more overnight card games since.
He also talked to them about the food. As did I. They've been cooking our food and feeding their friends at night. No more. That has stopped. I also told S that (I may have mentioned this before. I forget) he is not to cook up any of our food, specifically the meat, unless he is fixing a meal for the entire family at regular meal times. You have to be specific with teenagers. They like to find loopholes. He's the kid who would cook a meal at 3 a.m., he and S eat it, and put the rest in the refrigerator (if he didn't leave it out on the counter). We may never notice that it's in the fridge. But he and S would come back and eat the leftovers. If confronted, he'd say "But it was in there for everyone. You should have gotten some. I didn't want it to go bad, so we just ate the leftovers." I can hear it now. Anyway, I tried to nip that one in the bud.
I sense they are getting restless and uncomfortable here. It's about time. S still doesn't have a job, but he's pretending to look for one. With him it's hard to know how serious he is. He's a charmer. He talks a good talk. His walk, however, stumbles and falls down. I've tried to encourage him. I've tried to be helpful. I think what might be the most helpful now is to give them a move-out date and let them suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune for themselvs. The longer we (I) coddle them, the more damage I do. It isn't helpful anymore. When they first came here over 2 years ago the situation was very different. Two years is a long time, a lot changes in the lives of young people between the ages of 17-20. S was 17 when he moved in here, and C was already here. For that matter, C was 17 when he moved in. OK, so maybe S was 16. No matter. C turned 20 in early June. They have both grown up a lot and are ready to handle a lot more responsibility.
What I'd really like to do instead of just giving them a move-out date is to begin charging rent (which as some of you have said, and probably most of you have thought, I should have been doing all along). We'll start out the first month at maybe $50. (I'm conjecturing here) The second month the rent will be $75. We will increase it by $25 each month. At some point it will be more cost effective for them to have their own place. This also might force the subject, give S the extra motivation to get a job. He isn't in school (dropped out of high school last year in his senior year) and doesn't have a job. We aren't doing him any favors by meeting all his room and boarding needs.
The next thing is to have this talk with them. I think I may be ready. If we can find them, pin them down long enough to listen...
Wish me luck!

It never gets any better

Here are the visual aids for the previous post. This first picture is for comparison and a piece of background information. See the bit of the wheel well on the right? There, in front of the door. It should have a piece of molding over it, continuing the line of the curve and filling in the triangular gap. I knocked that piece of fiberglass molding off a couple of years ago when I was backing up too close to a post. I was watching behind me and forgot to check the front. This is on the driver's side of the car. My bad.

This is the front wheel well on the passenger side of the car. See that bit of wheel well on the left? There, in front of the door. It should have a piece of molding over it, continuing the line of the curve and filling in the triangular gap.
That's what S did yesterday when he backed his car out of the driveway and got too close to the van. He also knocked off that metal rim that covers the inner edge of the tire. Either he or Superman knocked it back on there. It looks alright now. So there is no difference between what S did yesterday and what I did 2 years ago. Should I really be making a fuss?

It isn't about the van. It's about the stress. Or something. Or is it all about me? Should I just shrug my shoulders and get on with my life?

Here is the crack in Manny's windshield. It's a bit tricky to see. This is from the inside of the cab.

And here's the origin of the crack. Does that look to you like it was hit with a rock or something? This is the outside of the windshield. This one needs to be repaired.
The windshield has had some scuffs in it since before I got the truck. The whole surface of the windshield is pitted. I have needed a new one from the beginning. Now the insurance will pay for the repair. I was pissed off to see this crack, but at the same time was glad that I finally get a new windshield for the ol' boy.

Today was a hard day for me. I am so worn out by all the shit in my life. I've been tired, tired, tired all day. Not so much sleepy (well, I was this afternoon, and had a lovely nap) but just worn down to nuthin'.

Sproing was being his usual annoying self this morning. His self-defined purpose in life is to get on other people's nerves. He is very good at it. It brings him a perverse joy. I am so tired of dealing with it, of trying to convince him to have a friendly, helpful attitude, to get along nicely with his siblings (and his parents!).

I think it shouldn't be this hard. Maybe I'm disillusioned, and parenting really is this dreadful. It just seems wrong to me that I dread spending time with my child. Is it me, or is it him? Or both?

I had a tearful talk with the boy this morning. He was dry-eyed, I was tearful. I told him how discouraged I was. I try to teach him the right way to behave, to have good manners and treat others with respect. Really, though, he knows how to do it. I told him he did. I said, though, what I cannot do is make him behave well. That's something he has to decide for himself.

He and Diva both lie and steal. Someone stole some cash out of my wallet recently. "Nobody" did it, of course. I told Sproing today that it is incredibly important for him to make good decisions about how he conducts himself NOW, while he is 10 years old. Because what he does now sets the precedents for what he'll do when he is older. I asked him if, when he is grown up, he wants to be known as a thief and a liar. He said he didn't. I told him he MUST begin NOW to make those changes in his behavior so that he is not a thief and a liar.

Maybe the discussion will do some good. He told me late this afternoon that he hadn't stolen anything today. Oy. Well, good for you, dear. Keep up the good work.

I need to have a similar discussion with Diva at some point soon. She lies and steals a lot, too. She tends to be nicer to people than Sproing is, usually, although she can be a real foul-mouthed bitch when she gets on her high horse.

Damn this is hard work. Damn I'm tired.

Tired

Not just sleepy, or over worked. No. I am tired. As in "tired of it all." Tired of all the crap I have to deal with around here.

The latest, in two parts
Part the first:
Manny's windshield has a big crack. He has been parked in the back yard for over a week. I haven't needed him before today. Today I needed the truck.
Superman had the van, I needed to run an errand. So Sproing and I got in the truck to head to the store. I looked up the driveway and noticed a large crack down the center of my windshield. I asked Sproing "What happened to my windshield???" Guess what his first words were?
"Diva did it..." I could have made book on that one.
According to him, Diva was trying to get away from the neighbor's dog. This is the same dog who was in heat a few months ago. Friendly young girl. Enthusiastic. Likes to jump up on the kids, but isn't harmful. Mainly just annoying. And they jump and bounce, too, getting her more excited. Then they wonder why she jumps up on them. Arg! The story is that Diva got up on the hood of the truck to get away from the dog, then climbed up the windshield to get on the roof of the cab. The windshield cracked.
Diva was home from summer school when Sproing and I got home. I asked Diva about the crack in the windshield. She didn't do it. Of course not. No one ever does these things. She did not blame Sproing, though. She said she did get up on the hood, but went no farther. She noticed the windshield was already cracked when she got up there. Well, maybe.
Superman and I looked carefully at the crack later in the afternoon. It looks as though a rock or something small and hard hit close to the edge of the windshield, causing a starburst crack pattern. One of the cracks extends from the top of the glass all the way to the bottom, between the windshield wipers. I don't know how it happened, or who "happened" it. Doesn't really matter, I guess. The fact remains that the windshield needs to be replaced. :::Sigh:::

Part the second:
S backed his car into the van today. Superman was home for lunch. Sproing and I were out running our errands. It was mid-day, around noon. The boys left to go do whatever it is they do. S woke up, got in the car, and backed out of the driveway. I doubt he'd been out of bed more than a minute before he put the transmission in reverse. He told me that he looked behind him to the right. Thing was, the van was parked to the left of him. He hit the area around the front wheel well. Crushed parts of the fiberglass body, and knocked the rim ring off the tire. And he drove on, oblivious.
He called me at 4:00 this afternoon to mention that he may have bumped the van on his way out this morning. He said it was kinda dark when he left. I asked (knowing within half an hour) what time he left. Um, about 11:30. It wasn't dark at 11:30 this morning! "It was for me. I had just gotten up."
Superman called me right after he got back to work to tell me that their car had hit the van. He was quite mad, especially about the fact that they hadn't even stopped to come in and tell us. He had been trying to reach their cell phones since he first discovered it. They conveniently didn't answer. S called me a good 4 or 5 hours later. I know he called me because I don't yell at him. I speak crossly, but don't holler (much). Superman hollers. I told him that Superman was mad.
S dropped by the house while we were eating dinner. He spoke very briefly to us, then left again. It's 10:00 now, and they still aren't back.

What is going to happen with our cars? The windshield must be fixed. The van works, but is getting uglier and uglier, pieces "falling" off bit by bit. This isn't the first bump the van has experienced, and I don't know if we should bother having it fixed. Why this one, when the wheel well on the other side looks almost as bad. (Not quite, but almost. And that one was my bad) Why do I have to mess with all this crap? Why can't the other people in this house be responsible about things?

I am tired. Tired of it all. Too tired to get worked up about much.

(Will try to get some pictures of the broken bits and will post them here. Check back later in the day to see if I've accomplished at least this much.)

addendum on the stray dog story

Diva and Sproing say the black dog's name is KittyKitty, because he comes when they call him KittyKitty. S pointed out that the dog would come if you called him Shitface as long as you said it in that tone of voice. My children are picking up some colorful language from the older boys. Oy.

Reconciliation

This is a follow up to this post, in which I document an incident where I defended my family, such as it is. If you recall, there was a 13 year old boy who said some disparaging things about my gay boys. I told him there is nothing wrong with being gay, but it is very wrong to insult anyone the way he did. I forbade the children from playing with him anymore.

Sproing really enjoys playing with this child. He lives in the house directly behind us and is hard to avoid. The boy also lets Sproing play with his video gaming system. Because I am such a mean mommy, I don't allow our children to have a video gaming system. Thus, Sproing has been strongly motivated to seek some reconciliation.

I told Sproing that if this young man, let's call him Adam, would come and apologize for his behavior, I would consider letting them play together again. Last Thursday Adam came over to talk to me. We sat in the back yard together on the picnic table and he gave me a very articulate apology. Then we had a chat. I talked to him for probably 10 minutes. We discussed homosexuality; I told him some of what I know about it, that it isn't a choice. I explained that gay people are just as normal as straight people. Whether they are gay or not there will be some people he likes, some people he's not particularly fond of. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. So he needs to give everyone a chance, get to know people as individuals and not pre-judge them on the basis of their sexual orientation, or anything else for that matter!

And so I gave permission for the children to play together again. They have been playing very nicely ever since. When C and S first saw him playing with the kids, each of them came to me all concerned. I explained. S was skeptical. C gave me "that look." I told them to wait and see, give the boy a chance.

This evening, after supper, Superman, S, and the kids played a game. Adam came over and joined in. I had to show you this. It is truly beautiful. This picture shows, from the left, S sitting on the floor, wearing his striped toque. Diva is next, rolling the dice on her way to winning the game. On the far right is Superman in all his balding glory, and there, between Superman and Diva sits Adam, participating in the game. Yes, S and Adam are playing a game together in our living room. Is this not the most beautiful sight? It fills my heart with joy.

On the other hand, I see in this photo 3 unfinished projects: the wall, the sofa, and the coffee table. If we're not counting the floor, where the carpet needs to be removed and new flooring installed. But that project hasn't been started, so we won't count it. Nah, lets just focus on the positive. They family is playing together beautifully! We are happy.

This just in...

Evidently C and S had a lovely afternoon. And this is how I know.
It is bedtime for Diva and Sproing. Superman sent them into the bathroom to brush their teeth. From the bathroom we hear much giggling. Superman goes to check on them, and Sproing says "Look what Diva found!" There, nice and clean, on the edge of the bathtub sits a dong. Sproing says "It's a wanker!" then explodes in nervous giggles. Diva, I think for her father's benefit, says "It's gross!" But I know she was giggling just as enthusiastically as Sproing before Daddy walked in.
I must speak to the boys about cleaning up after themselves and putting their toys away.
My children are getting an invaluable education.

A brief history of my last 20 years book five

How we got here

Why we got here

What we're doing here

Book five

Now then, where were we? We had settled fairly well into the new ugly house in the conveniently located yet stifling neighborhood. By now both of the older kids are at the high school, Twitch a freshman and Light a junior. The young whipper-snappers were in 2^nd grade and not doing too well, but I don't want to talk about that.

Light was developing some good friendships and was excelling in school. This is what she's like, though. It comes easier for her than for my other kids. Everybody likes Light. She was involved with a few clubs at school and in the youth group at the large Baptist church just up the road from the high school.

One of her friends was a young man named C. Yup, that's our gay… I mean guy! He was very active at the church. He was a senior, as were most of Light's friends that year. For a while she had a bit of a crush on him.

Light and I have a very close relationship. We communicate well. Although we've had our share of differences and aggravations with one another, we share a lot of stuff with each other. I've always respected her opinions and most of her boundaries. I hold her trust, and she mine. If she tells me something in confidence, it goes no further.

She is like that, too. She listens well to others and doesn't betray a confidence. However, the lives of teenagers are a lot more complicated sometimes than a teenager is mature enough to handle. She had friends who were going through some tough stuff who would talk to her about it. If she felt like she needed a sympathetic but more mature perspective on something, she'd talk about it to me, yet without revealing the identity of the friend in need.

In late autumn she began to talk to me a little bit about "a friend" who was dealing with "a difficult situation." Mainly she was asking me to pray for this friend. I think also she wanted to express the concern just to have someone to share the burden with. She didn't tell me anything about the problem or who was struggling. But she brought it up every week or so. I sympathized, which was about all I could do of course.

There were a few of her friends who were dealing with various struggles. These are 15-19 year olds. It's a hard time in their lives. I knew, or suspected, who some of the kids might be. But there was one in particular she was especially concerned about. She finally told me that it was C, although she didn't say what the issue was, and swore me to secrecy. Not a problem. I didn't know him at the time. She had pointed him out to me in a crowd of kids at the church once, but I wouldn't have recognized him if he came up and punched me in the nose.

Over Christmas break, a few days before New Years Day, C came over to the house so he and Light could dye their hair. This was the first time I'd spoken to the boy. Superman and I were sitting on the sofa in the living room and the kids walked by on the way to the bathroom with their boxes of hair dye. C was giggling like a school girl. I turned to Superman and jokingly said "I wonder if he knows he's gay?"

Sure enough he was struggling with coming out. He had come out to Light I think before Christmas, and after school resumed he came out to more of the kids, expanding his confession to a wider circle of acquaintances. As many of you know, once the news gets out to so many people it takes on a life of its own. Pretty soon anyone who gave a damn knew that C thought he was gay. (That's the way most people perceived it, I think: he thought he was gay.) He got a lot of flack from most of the kids in the youth group and a big dump of grief from the youth group leader. Many of the kids at school only spoke to him to condemn him. There was a core group who stuck by him, Light of course being one of them.

And by this time I knew all about it. I sympathized with his grief but still held the view I'd learned in church about homosexuality. I thought it was a bad idea. Wrong, even. Though I didn't understand it very well, I wasn't willing to hate him for being gay. I still hardly knew him. We'd never talked, just the two of us. But Light had spoken so lovingly about him and his trials that I couldn't help but feel sympathy.

Meanwhile, back on the bus, I'd been taken off of the special needs route that I'd substituted on for most of the year. Another one of the drivers was going out on maternity leave and the boss needed me to take over her route. It was a regular route, and a rough one. Not the worst, but far from the best. I'm much better with the special needs students. This crowd was primarily from the old mill villages in town. The mills are almost all closed now, so the villages are populated with a wide variety of people. The houses are small and most of them were built in the first quarter of the 20^th century. In other words, cheap housing. A few of the areas are known for drug activity and other violence. These kids had a tough life, and they expressed it in their behavior.

One of the students on my bus was a very attractive, tall but slight boy with long hair and penetrating green eyes. His name was S. He usually sat directly behind my seat, mostly away from the tougher kids in the back of the bus. He talked to some of the girls but rarely to any other boys. I had my suspicions. J One day as the senior prom was approaching I heard him tell the girl in the next seat that he wanted to wear a dress to the prom; a green one that would set off his eyes. I listened intently. This guy was the source of some very interesting conversation!

The thing about S: he's pretty much never been in any closet. He's not flamboyantly obvious, but he speaks his mind and has a few telling affectations. He speaks with no shame about who or what he is. At 16 years old this was impressive. He had a toughness about it, though. A chip on the shoulder attitude as a defense against the bullies. He also had a big mouth without much control over what came out of it. He had been in some trouble and was now one of "the usual suspects" with the administration at school. I thought he was adorable.

C's trials were increasing, as one might expect. One day he got a call at home from another boy who called to ask him out. C wasn't a bit interested in this guy, so of course said "no." His mom asked who called, and C told her it was a guy from school who wanted to get together with him. Innocuous enough, right? Well, not surprisingly, C didn't have a large number of friends and didn't do a lot of socializing. His mom innocently suggested it might be nice to get together with a friend. Can you recognize this golden opportunity to come out to Mom? He was out to most everyone else, he knew his mom would find out soon from someone at church, so he took a deep breath and shook up his mama's world.

What happens next? What is him mom's reaction? When do I get to talk to him? How do he and S meet? Stay tuned.

Time to meet the family

In the spirit of getting to know me, you should meet me and my family. Well, you've met them in the stories I tell, but I want to show you some pictures. Pictures might help tell the story or possibly raise some questions. We need to do this.

Pay no attention to the mess that is my kitchen. That's a subject for another post.

This first picture is a shot of Superman and the dynamic duo, Sproing on the left, Diva on the right. They are both 10 years old, both in 4^th grade. Both are (obviously) adopted. They aren't biologically related, and Diva is 1.5 months older than Sproing. We got custody of Sproing when he was 4 days old. We picked him up from the hospital in Charleston, SC, where he was born. Diva came to us the day she turned 14 months old, about 2 weeks after Sproing's first birthday.

And here is Twitch, who is allegedly no longer a danger to society. He just turned 17. You be the judge. In his favor, he does not have a driver's license yet, so he's not behind the wheel.

This is my beloved C, who in this photo is pissed at me because I am in his room taking a picture of him while he is trying to nap. He usually has a much more pleasant expression on his face. And aren't his blue plaid pajamas so cute? Some day I'll have to take another photo of him when he thinks he is prepared to be photographed. C is a first semester junior at Lander University.

And finally we have the ubiquitous S, who knows how to strike a pose, baby. He's just come inside from having a smoke and "stealing" a daffodil from the next door neighbor's yard. He's young and beautiful and charming and he knows it. And he has a driver's license, though he is a much better driver than C, whose vision is impaired and IMHO shouldn't be allowed behind the wheel at all, but that too is a discussion for another day. S turned 18 in November. He's been living with us now for about a year and 3 months, officially. He was here most of the time for the summer before that, the summer of 2006. He stayed here often from August to when he finished moving all his stuff here in December. He should be a senior in high school now, but he dropped out last semester. I was strongly against that idea and we all encouraged him to stay in school and get his diploma. He's got a mind of his own and it's a strong one.
We are missing a photo of Light. She isn't here at the moment and I don't believe I have a current photo of her saved on this computer. I'll try to get a picture of her up here on the blog soon. She'll probably even get her own post instead of sharing one with the rest of this crazy crowd.
Oh, I've also "forgotten" to post a picture of myself. Yea, well, I'm not proud of my appearance these days and am reluctant to show you. But I will, because that's the kind of honest gal I am.

This shot shows off my hair, which is one of my best features. It also accentuates those chins terribly. Let me see if I can find another one I'm willing to show you.

Well, it isn't any better, really, and also displays my messy bedroom. But it is a better shot of the face, anyway. Ugh.

So this is us. We are we, a family.

I have a particular issue I'd like to discuss, but it is way too late in the evening for me to be awake, much less opening a whole new can of worms. The can of worms I have in mind relates to how there is such a diversity of people in my household. More on that later.

Where do I go to resign? A tale of woe, Part 2

I think that was the title of a book about parenting, maybe by Erma Bombeck. Something with a light and humorous flair. I am feeling much less than light and humorous.

I feel like shit. I feel like a failure. Honestly, I'm not that bad a parent. I make mistakes, I sometimes am not as available as I probably should be. But dammit, I try! I love my children, every one of them, whether they are acting lovable or not. I have always acted as loving as I can to my children. I speak kindly to them. I do not say insulting or denigrating things to them, ever. At least not on purpose. I'm very careful about that. I support, I uplift (I sound like a bra) I encourage. I am as positive as possible. Even when I am angry at them or disappointed and am punishing them, I always tell them that I love them. "I don't like what you are doing, I am mad about this, I am mad at you, but I still love you. I always love you. No matter what, I will always love you." I have said this to all of my children over and over and over again.

My heart broke today when I got the call from the day care to go get the boy. This is the second day in a row, and it has happened before this week also. He seems to be getting more and more violent, aggressive.

Yesterday I went in to get him and the big boss, the top administrator, a big ol' round-bellied, bald headed bear named Ben wanted to talk to me. He's a nice man, really. He cares about the kids, and he cares about the staff. He said "we can't have this kind of behavior..." Yea, I know. I agree totally. The crap this boy has dished out recently is unacceptable. He isn't fit to be in the presence of other people when he behaves like this. Something is seriously wrong. I am saying this sort of thing to the man, completely agreeing about how unacceptable this boy's behavior is. And yet, he keeps saying "We can't have that kind of behavior...." Shit. Shut up. Just let me take the little devil away and beat the snot out of him. The man made me feel defensive when there was nothing to defend.

He was there again today. Waiting on me, I guess. He goes into his "We can't have this kind of behavior" spiel again. I was on the verge of tears. Hell, I was on the verge of tears as soon as I got the message. (Twitch answered the phone and took a message, not letting me talk on the phone at all. Whatever.) I felt beaten when Twitch told me. Shit. What the hell am I supposed to do??? (Rhetorical question. Do not answer.) I agree with Ben. I say this is totally unacceptable. I also told him that Sproing won't be back the rest of the week, anyway, and that Superman and I will discuss our options and see what we can come up with. Shit.

And all this time I'm about to cry. I feel so defeated. And overwhelmed. When we got home I took all the toys from him, all that he had on and around his bed. Then I spanked him. Then he went to bed. I told him that he's staying on his bed with nothing to play with for the rest of the day. I still am not ready to talk to him. I'm not even ready to talk about it. Light just called and I tried to tell her what happened, and I just can't get past the bare details.

After Sproing was in his bed I called Superman to let him know what was going on. That's when I lost it. I started crying on the phone and couldn't talk at all. I told him we'd talk later. S had been with me a good bit of the time, he'd gone with me to pick up Sproing. He heard me crying and came in to the bedroom where I was sitting on the bed. He held my hand, told me he loves me, tried to get me to count backwards. This is how he helps me calm down. But today I wasn't ready to calm down. I needed to cry. And all I could say was NO! I couldn't explain anything.

A few minutes later C got home from school. C really knows how to deal with me when I'm in that state. He didn't hold my hand, he held ME. He didn't try to get me to stop crying, he didn't say anything. S told him why I was crying. He just held me and let me get his sweater wet. A lovely argyle pullover in earth tones, mostly tan and brown. Very gay. He looked good. It shed water well, too, so I didn't stain it. After a few minutes he started breathing deeply and regularly, demonstrating how I was to breathe. We've done this before. I know my cue. When I stopped sobbing he said he had to get ready for work, and he and S left the room. He came back a little while later with some herbal tea he'd concocted for me. It was soothing herbs, designed to calm me down. He said the effect was the main thing, not the taste, so drink! It tasted kinda bitter and icky, but I could drink it. And it did help chill me out. For a little while there I was snoozie, but I've since eaten some supper and am feeling more awake now. Tired, but awake. I'm going to bed early tonight.

After dealing with this mess with Sproing, I was sapped. I had planned to get a bit of work done around the house, to do a little more prep for my trip. There are a couple of simple skirts I want to sew, and they won't take much time. But I do need to get started on them.

This kind of crap sucks the life out of me. I'm useless for anything else now for the rest of the day. After I'd put him in bed I took a shower and put my flannel night gown on. It wasn't even 3:30 yet. It's cold and icky here, we're expecting ice and freezing rain tonight and tomorrow. The house is chilled. I'm in my flannel under the quilt on my bed. This is about all I can do tonight. I can't bear the thought of going into the living room. Diva and Twitch are in there with Superman. Twitch has a nice fire going in the fireplace. (He's a boy scout. He knows from fires.) I can not be around people right now. Even Superman coming to sit beside me just makes me all nervous and distracted.

I don't know how to end this post. I hope after a good night's sleep I will feel better tomorrow. But Sproing is going to be here all day tomorrow with me, and I have no idea what to do with him, what to say to him, how to show him that I love him but will not accept his current behavior trends. And right now I don't even want to think about it. I can't.

***Sigh***

Sunday, late

I tried to get my head together to write an essay of sorts on the church/faith/religion theme. Didn't happen, and now it is incredibly late for someone who has to get up at 4:15.



I went to church this morning, to the Episcopal church at the south end of downtown. It was a lovely service. I pretty much enjoyed it, though for some reason I was shaky and emotionally fragile. Today is the first Sunday in Advent, and Advent is one of my favorite church seasons. The songs were good, the worship was meaningful.



When I was crossing the parking lot on the way back to my truck I stepped on a small rock, lost my balance, and fell down. It was a graceful fall, as falls go. I scraped my leg a little bit, not badly. There were a few other people walking near me, and they rushed over to see if I was OK. And amazingly enough I was OK! The fall wasn't a bad one, nor was the scrape. But more significantly I wasn't upset about falling. Especially since I was feeling emotionally delicate one would think that would set me off. But it didn't, thankfully. I'm human, I'm clumsy, and I fell. No big deal.



Lots of activity going on in the house today. The boys, S and C, are getting their new room ready. We switching bedrooms, with the boys moving to the front room (what should be a formal living room) and Diva and Sproing leaving that room and moving to the end of the hall in the bedroom S and C have had. Superman will (hopefully before too long) put up a dividing wall thing in that bedroom for Sproing and Diva to have separate and private spaces. This is a needful thing and should have happened a while ago.

I have more to say about other stuff, but am closing down for to get to bed!

New blog buddy

Check out my blog roll on the right side of this screen, just below my cast of characters. There on the top of the list is my newest blog buddy. I mention this one specifically because he's more than just a blog buddy. I've been spending so much time with you, talking to you about my life (or something like it) and the people in my life, that the characters are beginning to blog. Behind Green Eyes is none other than S himself! He's so pleased with himself.

It's funny, he's been critical of me spending so much time here. I showed him some of the blogs from some of you today. He liked what he saw, I guess, and decided to do one himself. He's such a silly nelly.

See S and C

I'm having a bit of trouble figuring out how to post pictures the way I want to. So I'm separating this post from the previous one. The picture on the top is a shot of C that S took the other night. The other one is a self portrait of S. He has used whatever program he has to make them look artsy.

Photo art

S got himself a nice new digital camera a few weeks ago. He has artistic talent, I think. Here are a couple of the pix he's taken and 'arted' them up.

Another day, another dollar (spent)

The home has been bereft of groceries for the past few days. When we are out of cheese and eggs things are bad. We eat a lot of cheese. S wanted to go grocery shopping last night. He was hungry, didn't have any money of his own to get anything, and there wasn't anything here for him to easily fix. I had worked a long day, was tired, and wanted to go out with Superman. Also, Friday evening at the grocery is a sample of Hell. So I said "no." We'll go in the morning before it gets too crowded.

So this morning about 10:00 I went to Wal-Mart (supercenter-groceries!) with S and C. We needed lots of stuff and my energy runs out before completing that big a task if I go alone. Y'all, C and S are a hoot to shop with! With this month's limited budget we had to be careful in our choices. Superman had given us a list as a guideline. I find it easier under these financial circumstances to include him in the shopping decisions. That way he can't blame me entirely if the money runs short elsewhere. We learn these things after 25 years together. So we got some groceries and I hope we'll be set for at least a week if not two. I hope two. Payday comes every two weeks!

S kept track of the list. C and I picked stuff out. Came to the soda and wine aisle. I said I really wanted some more wine, but it wasn't on the list. So S got the pen and wrote "wine" on the list. Bless his heart. We actually decided to go to an el-cheapo grocery for wine, so didn't get it there. But we did get some. I don't drink much, I don't drink often. (Not nearly as often as Kelly, thus my blog isn't as sexy as Kelly's) I have trouble remembering what kind of wine I like and what I really don't care for. I'm a sissy wuss when it comes to booze, and I don't like strong tasting stuff. I tend more toward the sweet cheap stuff. I picked out some Riesling. It is pretty good. It is also all gone now. I'm having a little trouble keeping my focus. In my defense it was a smallish bottle.

I started out trying to make a different point, though. OK, here's that line of thought. Lots of places for money to go, not enough money to go all those places, not enough food to feed a family of 7 (or 8 when Light gets home next Tuesday). So we went shopping. S kept saying "are we over budget?" Well, I didn't have a specific figure in mind, I was just trying to not over-buy. Came to the check-out and S kept asking the cashier what our total so far was. "Are we ok still?" he'd ask. Yup, go on. Well, we came in under $200! I was thrilled. By "under $200," I mean $199.64. I love it when the figures are so close. A thing of beauty.

However, when we stopped by el-cheapo and I got two bottles of wine we went over the $200, but it is on a different receipt so it doesn't look as bad. Actually I got those two bottles for under $12, which I think is reasonable for booze.

And whatever else I was going to post here I forgot. TTFN

Breathing a sigh of relief

I am feeling so free tonight! I figured something out about myself. I have been stressing over S and his schooling, his failure to take responsibility as he should, etc. I’ve been worried about S and C’s relationship (things are a bit rocky right now, not much detail). I’ve been really upset, and the boys seem to be avoiding me. Maybe they are.

Today I’ve been thinking about my stress level, and how upset I am about the boys. You see what I’m saying? “I” am upset, “I” am stressed, “I”. How much of this has been about me? What about them? C is 19, S is less than a week away from 18. They have been with us for over a year. They are growing up!

Light left for college this fall. I’m fine with that. I know what to expect from that relationship. But with the boys… who am I? They have a huge place in my heart. I love them, as sons at least, and maybe in some other vague way I can’t describe. I’m not sure what to expect from the relationship I have with either of them. My mothering instincts are strong. But one of a mother’s most important tasks is to work herself out of a job. I’ve had 18 years to work on that with Light. C and S have only recently moved into my heart. It is with them that my heart/mind is confused about this whole “let them grow up” thing.

After talking it out with Superman (which means I talk, he nods and smiles and looks concerned and makes the right “mmm”, “yes” noises at appropriate times) and having a good cry, I’ve begun to let go. The boys are having their own problems, but those are THEIR problems. I can listen, I can support, but it is time for me to shut up, to stop trying to interfere.

I’m not exactly sure how specifically to do this “let go” thing, but I know I have to do it, for them and for me. I’m ready to work on that now. I shared that information with S and he seemed relieved. I admitted to him that I’ve been annoying recently. He was glad I finally figured that out! And now I feel lighter, less stressed, more free. It is a good feeling. And I’m proud of myself for figuring it out on my own. Now we need to work on the “how.” But this is a really good first step!