Happy Memorial Day. It is my goal to post this to my blog before the end of the day. As I begin it is now almost 11:00 a.m. and I feel the need for a nap. To sleep, perhaps to avoid doing uncomfortable things.
Why am I uncomfortable about writing this? Possible reasons: this is my confessional and I don't want to feel the uncomfortable feelings related to what's going on in my life. Hmm. That's one. And that's the only one my brain will allow to escape right now. Seriously, I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open.
I should probably seek more counseling. There's a sexual trauma and abuse counseling center here in town. I have body issues stemming from, oh, I don't know, being female in this culture or something. (Is it just me, or does this paragraph lack cohesion?)
My chest wall hurts. My boobs are too heavy, and way too female, and I want them significantly reduced so they don't hurt my body or my self image anymore.
I'm so sleepy. My brain just isn't allowing me to ... finish ... or continue
Man. I'm messed up.
In related news, my psychiatrist and I have been adjusting my meds. I was on the maximum dose of two drugs for my mental illnesses (whatever they are. Legion.). We've eliminated Cymbalta entirely (stepping down gradually, of course) and I only take the minimum dose of Wellbutrin now. I had completely stopped taking the Wellbutrin, but wow, things got kinda bad kinda fast, so I added 150 mg back into the regimen and we're rocking along... inconclusively.
The pisser (one of) is that my psychiatrist is leaving her practice. She's moving away. This is a bad time for me to lose my doctor. There are no others in Greenwood. I should find someone in Greenville or elsewhere because now is a bad time for me to be doctorless. Unfortunately I'm not in such good condition to make rational decisions of that nature. Especially today. Not having a particularly healthy day here, people. Friday was better. Last Tuesday was a good day. It isn't all bad, I promise.
I need a break here. I'm going to get something to eat, maybe take a nap, and come back in a while. Hang tight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK, I had a nap and now the Atlanta Braves are on the telly, up 3-1 over San Francisco Giants. It's almost 2:00 p.m., for those keeping track of these things.
I feel a little bit better. Let's see how this goes.
Last time I blogged I talked about Diva and Sproing. We'll get to Sproing in a minute. Diva won't take long.
Diva was doing amazingly well. HA! That was all a lie. She was faking it. As is typical of her, she faked it for about three months before it all went to hell. Turns out she never paid anything for rent. I thought she had covered her part at least once, but Superman tells me no, not a penny. He paid the whole amount for two, maybe three months, but we can't afford that. He stopped paying for her, she got evicted. If you recall, his name was on the lease, so he's on the hook here. What with one thing and another (late fees, eviction fees, furniture moving fees, significant cleaning fee) Superman ended up owing $3400. The apartment office has been very good to work with, and they arranged a three month payment plan to pay it off without the mess affecting his credit score. I mailed the final payment Saturday morning.
In the meantime Diva has disappeared from our radar. She called one day in March and got my voice mail. Superman sent her a text telling her that unless she has $3400 for him, he doesn't want to hear from her. And we haven't heard from her. I don't know if she's still in Greenville. No clue. I'm mildly curious but don't really care.
She has hurt us over and over and over. Superman wanted to give her another chance, so he put a lot of faith, time, effort, and money into helping her get started in Greenville. I figured it wouldn't work, but didn't try to stop him. Although it cost us a lot emotionally, it wasn't a mistake. Superman had to see what she would do. I'm very sad about the whole thing, but glad to be where we are now. Sad but relieved, is perhaps the best way to say it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now on to Sproing. This is going to take a little longer. When last we reported, he had been charged with receiving stolen goods, which was a bullshit charge. He happened to be giving a friend a ride and the friend left the stolen goods (two name brand but cheap watches. What's with that? These name brands have so much fashion clout but are cheaply made. That's just wrong.) in the door pocket of the vehicle. Anyway, those charges were eventually dropped so it's all as if nothing happened.
It could be said that he makes poor choices about the people he hangs out with, but ... we won't go there now.
And Sproing got a job! Yay! A dishwasher and general clean-up flunky at a local family owned restaurant, he liked it at first. He definitely liked getting paid. But he was scheduled to work nine hours a day, five or six days a week. That was kind of a lot, he thought, and I agree sort of. Rather than working it out with his boss, he adjusted his schedule all by himself. Here's a basic truth: if you don't show up for work, you won't have a job. Ta-da! Unemployment. That was, I don't remember exactly, but at least a month ago. Maybe six weeks now. He's kind of looking for work, but not with a lot of dedication. The dish washing job was off the books, under the table stuff, which works for him being on probation for burglary. And I think the burglary conviction is hampering his ability to find work, though I'm not sure. Sproing doesn't tell me anything.
So he's home a lot, doing nothing, acting like an 18 year old boy. He's surly, rude, selfish, disrespectful, and lazy. So we've kicked him out. We gave him a month's notice because we're too nice. His move out date is June 15th. He doesn't like to talk about it, so I have no idea how things are progressing.
But he has GOT to go. He isn't listening to anything we say. We've taught him everything we can to this point. He has a lot to learn, and the only way he's going to learn it is if he goes out on his own. Being home with mommy and daddy is holding him back.
I read something online last night about dealing with sociopaths. Diva is full on classic sociopath, but Sproing has some sociopathic tendencies. He's a manipulative little shit. He has a conscience, which is way more than can be said for Diva, but still. He knows my buttons and pushes them All. The. Time. "They" say I should not let him get to me, not be so vulnerable. Sorry. No can do. This is who I am, and he's my son and I love him. I don't like him very much right now, but I love him.
On to broader topics....
Superman went out of town for the weekend to visit his family. He's on his way home now, but it'll be probably 6:00 or later before he gets home. I miss him. Sproing has been a challenge to deal with and Superman is a huge buffer for me when Sproing gets difficult. There are of course other reasons I miss him, but that's a big one.
I'm craving a big bowl of cold chocolate pudding right now.
So I got a "new" car! My stepmom bought a new car for herself and gave me her old minivan. It's a 2000 Mercury Villager. She had it checked over thoroughly before I got it. I went to Florida to pick it up earlier this month. Fun trip! My stepmom is a cool lady.
Before coming back to South Carolina I drove down to the Orlando area to visit my mother. She's not doing well. She has become very frail. She was recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure, which explains why she's been so very tired of late. She gets winded walking from one end of her condo to the other, and it isn't a big place. It's a real challenge to walk to the mailbox, maybe 75 feet. It wasn't all that long ago she could spend half a day out shopping. No longer. Mama can still live on her own at this point, but my brother and I are discussing plans for when she needs more help.
As I said, Superman visited his parents this weekend. They are doing much worse. His dad is a shriveled up nub of his former self. He loses his balance a lot, has fallen a few times. He's a stubborn coot. Shouldn't be driving, but still does. I'm staying out of it. He's not my dad; it's up to his kids to do the difficult thing. My mother-in-law has lymphoma. It has been a slowly progressing thing, but the progress is speeding up. She had a lump on her upper arm that they zapped with radiation. Now she has a lump on the back of her tongue that needs to be surgically removed. As Superman said to me a couple of nights ago, looks like it won't be long for either/both of them.
These are hard things. We discussed it before Superman left. Yeah, it's hard, but I'm glad we're in our mid 50s dealing with this rather than in our 20s or 30s. All of our parents have had full lives and are now really old. Our moms are 78, his dad is in his mid 80s. My father died three years ago at 78 years old, and as much as I miss him, as upset as I was when he died, I'm glad he's gone now. He died before he got so frail that he was dependent on others. He'd have hated that. My youngest brother says he's glad the old man isn't here to see Trump as a presidential candidate. I laughed and agreed.
The Braves beat the SF Giants 5-2. Braves haven't won very many games this season, so every win is a big deal.
Superman just called. He's about 2.5 hours away. I have time to wash the sheets!
Sproing and his friends are in the living room (I'm in my bedroom) disturbing my mental processes. Is it them or is it me? Both? I don't know. I can't think clearly any more so I'll just post this and do some laundry.
Moving Along, but Adrift
10 years ago
