Mother's Day Rant 2008

I get like this nearly every year. Forewarned is forearmed.

Disclaimer #1
For my mother, my mother-in-law, my stepmother (oops, forgot about her until just now) I have no trouble honoring them on Mother's Day. I do so in a simple, non-complicated, not-commercially-motivated way. Same for my grandmothers, but there aren't any left now, unfortunately. This has everything to do with those whom I mother, not those who are mothers to me.

Disclaimer #2
The opinions expressed in this rant are mine and mine alone, and are in no way a reflection of my feelings toward anyone else and his/her opinions on the topic.

We shall now proceed to the rant

[this bit is mostly preamble to the rant]
I am a mother. This means many things. I gave birth to two children and adopted two children, so there are four children who share my last name and for whom I am legally responsible. More than that, though, I have taken two more young people into my home (non-legally)(which is not to say illegally. big difference!) and I am a surrogate mother for them. Many years ago I was a temporary foster mother for newborn babies awaiting adoption. These are a few of the ways in which the term "mother" applies to me.

I also am a mother in an active sense. I mother. Verb. I tend to mother many people in many situations. Most of the close friends of my children receive some of my mothering. I acted motherly with the students on my bus. I have also done some mothering with many blog friends. Sometimes I mother because it is my nature. My excuse: I'm a mother. It's what we do.

I'm a mother. It's what we do. As a mother and when I mother I want respect. To me, respect means to be nice to me. You (the subject of my mothering efforts) don't need to agree with me. Unless you are my minor child, living in my home and are my legal responsibility, you don't have to listen to me or do what I suggest. If you ignore my advice that is your decision and I (probably) won't take offense. If you'd rather I didn't voice my opinions in a motherly fashion, kindly tell me. I will attempt to honor your request. The key word in this paragraph is "kindly." That's what respect means to me.

I have been told by many people that I am a good mother, that they wish they had had a mother like me, or even that they wish I had been/would be their mother. I am very honored by this.

[this is where it begins to get rant-ish]
My distress comes from those I most actively mother. Maybe it's the daily drudgery, or the familiarity, or that the better they know me the more they see my faults and the less respect they have for me. Whatever the cause, the children (including the adult-aged children) in my home do not show me respect.

The children in my home are the ones who mean the most to me. Well, them plus the one of my own who usually lives away at college. I'll include her in the "means the most to me" category, but she doesn't fit in the "has no respect for me" category. My Light is the light of my life (one of 'em!) and makes me so proud! But I digress.

[here comes the vitriol]
To continue: The youngsters who live here show virtually no respect. Ever. (virtually. some exceptions, though rare) Maybe I shouldn't, but I take this as a personal affront. Rarely do they care about my needs, they blatantly ignore me and often are directly disrespectful. They are rude to each other, inconsiderate, slovenly, destructive, mindless, dense, lazy, greedy and selfish.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Some of these children will attempt to be nice to me tomorrow. It rings hollow when on one day of the year they act all loving and thankful to me. If you don't exhibit these qualities every day, or at least make an obvious attempt on a regular and frequent basis, do not come to me with pretty cards and flowers and boxes of chocolate and smile disingenuously to tell me how much you appreciate me! Bullshit! If the only time of the year you can force these lies through your teeth is on Mother's Day, then forget it. I don't want to hear it. I am interested in honesty. What you do speaks louder than what you say. What you do on a typical day means more than what you pretend on one "special" day. If you truly want me to know that you appreciate me and what I do for you, then show me in the way you conduct yourself at home and in your daily life every day. Otherwise, shove it up your ass.

Others of them, I suspect, will completely ignore me and the contributions I make to their lives. In a small way I see this as a sign of my success. I'm doing so well they don't notice what they might otherwise lack. In a larger sense I realize they are ungrateful, shallow, and selfish. I don't expect, neither do I desire lavish displays of appreciation. I would like them to voluntarily and without prompt simply thank me for trying to take care of their physical and emotional needs. This specifically applies to the ones for whom I am a surrogate mother. They are old enough to realize and appreciate my efforts at least a little bit. It is very important, necessary for the honesty of it all, that they do this completely without prompt. S sometimes reads my blog, and if he sees this, it will be his prompt. C'est la vie.

To give them credit, the boyz do occasionally express appreciation. S more often than C. S goes through stages where he's concerned about me and does a pretty good job looking out for me, trying to keep me from frustrating myself more. It isn't easy work! But there are also many times when I feel he is taking me for granted. Love may be a many splendored thing, but it's hard, too.

I know they love me, these children/young adults who live with me. And I love all of them. But if I only see expressions of love on Mother's Day it just makes me mad. I feel even less appreciated if they have to be forced by this "holiday" to make the attempt.

Breathing a sigh of relief

I am feeling so free tonight! I figured something out about myself. I have been stressing over S and his schooling, his failure to take responsibility as he should, etc. I’ve been worried about S and C’s relationship (things are a bit rocky right now, not much detail). I’ve been really upset, and the boys seem to be avoiding me. Maybe they are.

Today I’ve been thinking about my stress level, and how upset I am about the boys. You see what I’m saying? “I” am upset, “I” am stressed, “I”. How much of this has been about me? What about them? C is 19, S is less than a week away from 18. They have been with us for over a year. They are growing up!

Light left for college this fall. I’m fine with that. I know what to expect from that relationship. But with the boys… who am I? They have a huge place in my heart. I love them, as sons at least, and maybe in some other vague way I can’t describe. I’m not sure what to expect from the relationship I have with either of them. My mothering instincts are strong. But one of a mother’s most important tasks is to work herself out of a job. I’ve had 18 years to work on that with Light. C and S have only recently moved into my heart. It is with them that my heart/mind is confused about this whole “let them grow up” thing.

After talking it out with Superman (which means I talk, he nods and smiles and looks concerned and makes the right “mmm”, “yes” noises at appropriate times) and having a good cry, I’ve begun to let go. The boys are having their own problems, but those are THEIR problems. I can listen, I can support, but it is time for me to shut up, to stop trying to interfere.

I’m not exactly sure how specifically to do this “let go” thing, but I know I have to do it, for them and for me. I’m ready to work on that now. I shared that information with S and he seemed relieved. I admitted to him that I’ve been annoying recently. He was glad I finally figured that out! And now I feel lighter, less stressed, more free. It is a good feeling. And I’m proud of myself for figuring it out on my own. Now we need to work on the “how.” But this is a really good first step!