Breathing a sigh of relief

I am feeling so free tonight! I figured something out about myself. I have been stressing over S and his schooling, his failure to take responsibility as he should, etc. I’ve been worried about S and C’s relationship (things are a bit rocky right now, not much detail). I’ve been really upset, and the boys seem to be avoiding me. Maybe they are.

Today I’ve been thinking about my stress level, and how upset I am about the boys. You see what I’m saying? “I” am upset, “I” am stressed, “I”. How much of this has been about me? What about them? C is 19, S is less than a week away from 18. They have been with us for over a year. They are growing up!

Light left for college this fall. I’m fine with that. I know what to expect from that relationship. But with the boys… who am I? They have a huge place in my heart. I love them, as sons at least, and maybe in some other vague way I can’t describe. I’m not sure what to expect from the relationship I have with either of them. My mothering instincts are strong. But one of a mother’s most important tasks is to work herself out of a job. I’ve had 18 years to work on that with Light. C and S have only recently moved into my heart. It is with them that my heart/mind is confused about this whole “let them grow up” thing.

After talking it out with Superman (which means I talk, he nods and smiles and looks concerned and makes the right “mmm”, “yes” noises at appropriate times) and having a good cry, I’ve begun to let go. The boys are having their own problems, but those are THEIR problems. I can listen, I can support, but it is time for me to shut up, to stop trying to interfere.

I’m not exactly sure how specifically to do this “let go” thing, but I know I have to do it, for them and for me. I’m ready to work on that now. I shared that information with S and he seemed relieved. I admitted to him that I’ve been annoying recently. He was glad I finally figured that out! And now I feel lighter, less stressed, more free. It is a good feeling. And I’m proud of myself for figuring it out on my own. Now we need to work on the “how.” But this is a really good first step!