I think that was the title of a book about parenting, maybe by Erma Bombeck. Something with a light and humorous flair. I am feeling much less than light and humorous.
I feel like shit. I feel like a failure. Honestly, I'm not that bad a parent. I make mistakes, I sometimes am not as available as I probably should be. But dammit, I try! I love my children, every one of them, whether they are acting lovable or not. I have always acted as loving as I can to my children. I speak kindly to them. I do not say insulting or denigrating things to them, ever. At least not on purpose. I'm very careful about that. I support, I uplift (I sound like a bra) I encourage. I am as positive as possible. Even when I am angry at them or disappointed and am punishing them, I always tell them that I love them. "I don't like what you are doing, I am mad about this, I am mad at you, but I still love you. I always love you. No matter what, I will always love you." I have said this to all of my children over and over and over again.
My heart broke today when I got the call from the day care to go get the boy. This is the second day in a row, and it has happened before this week also. He seems to be getting more and more violent, aggressive.
Yesterday I went in to get him and the big boss, the top administrator, a big ol' round-bellied, bald headed bear named Ben wanted to talk to me. He's a nice man, really. He cares about the kids, and he cares about the staff. He said "we can't have this kind of behavior..." Yea, I know. I agree totally. The crap this boy has dished out recently is unacceptable. He isn't fit to be in the presence of other people when he behaves like this. Something is seriously wrong. I am saying this sort of thing to the man, completely agreeing about how unacceptable this boy's behavior is. And yet, he keeps saying "We can't have that kind of behavior...." Shit. Shut up. Just let me take the little devil away and beat the snot out of him. The man made me feel defensive when there was nothing to defend.
He was there again today. Waiting on me, I guess. He goes into his "We can't have this kind of behavior" spiel again. I was on the verge of tears. Hell, I was on the verge of tears as soon as I got the message. (Twitch answered the phone and took a message, not letting me talk on the phone at all. Whatever.) I felt beaten when Twitch told me. Shit. What the hell am I supposed to do??? (Rhetorical question. Do not answer.) I agree with Ben. I say this is totally unacceptable. I also told him that Sproing won't be back the rest of the week, anyway, and that Superman and I will discuss our options and see what we can come up with. Shit.
And all this time I'm about to cry. I feel so defeated. And overwhelmed. When we got home I took all the toys from him, all that he had on and around his bed. Then I spanked him. Then he went to bed. I told him that he's staying on his bed with nothing to play with for the rest of the day. I still am not ready to talk to him. I'm not even ready to talk about it. Light just called and I tried to tell her what happened, and I just can't get past the bare details.
After Sproing was in his bed I called Superman to let him know what was going on. That's when I lost it. I started crying on the phone and couldn't talk at all. I told him we'd talk later. S had been with me a good bit of the time, he'd gone with me to pick up Sproing. He heard me crying and came in to the bedroom where I was sitting on the bed. He held my hand, told me he loves me, tried to get me to count backwards. This is how he helps me calm down. But today I wasn't ready to calm down. I needed to cry. And all I could say was NO! I couldn't explain anything.
A few minutes later C got home from school. C really knows how to deal with me when I'm in that state. He didn't hold my hand, he held ME. He didn't try to get me to stop crying, he didn't say anything. S told him why I was crying. He just held me and let me get his sweater wet. A lovely argyle pullover in earth tones, mostly tan and brown. Very gay. He looked good. It shed water well, too, so I didn't stain it. After a few minutes he started breathing deeply and regularly, demonstrating how I was to breathe. We've done this before. I know my cue. When I stopped sobbing he said he had to get ready for work, and he and S left the room. He came back a little while later with some herbal tea he'd concocted for me. It was soothing herbs, designed to calm me down. He said the effect was the main thing, not the taste, so drink! It tasted kinda bitter and icky, but I could drink it. And it did help chill me out. For a little while there I was snoozie, but I've since eaten some supper and am feeling more awake now. Tired, but awake. I'm going to bed early tonight.
After dealing with this mess with Sproing, I was sapped. I had planned to get a bit of work done around the house, to do a little more prep for my trip. There are a couple of simple skirts I want to sew, and they won't take much time. But I do need to get started on them.
This kind of crap sucks the life out of me. I'm useless for anything else now for the rest of the day. After I'd put him in bed I took a shower and put my flannel night gown on. It wasn't even 3:30 yet. It's cold and icky here, we're expecting ice and freezing rain tonight and tomorrow. The house is chilled. I'm in my flannel under the quilt on my bed. This is about all I can do tonight. I can't bear the thought of going into the living room. Diva and Twitch are in there with Superman. Twitch has a nice fire going in the fireplace. (He's a boy scout. He knows from fires.) I can not be around people right now. Even Superman coming to sit beside me just makes me all nervous and distracted.
I don't know how to end this post. I hope after a good night's sleep I will feel better tomorrow. But Sproing is going to be here all day tomorrow with me, and I have no idea what to do with him, what to say to him, how to show him that I love him but will not accept his current behavior trends. And right now I don't even want to think about it. I can't.
***Sigh***
Moving Along, but Adrift
10 years ago
