Oy

I don’t know where to start. So I run around in circles not being any good to anyone for anything. It has been that kind of day. I’m tired. My brain is beating me up. Does your brain ever tell you things that aren’t very nice about you? From what I’ve read on Kickin’ Tina I think warrior scout has this problem sometimes. Or at least used to.

I’ve been told not to listen to these things. But they are very convincing. For instance, “I am incompetent at most of the things I try to do.” “I get started on something, but just can’t see it through, so it ends up being a big mess. This applies to tangible projects and to emotional/social efforts.” “I have failed my children, at least for today, and possibly for a large chunk of their lives.” “No matter how hard I try, I fuck things up.” “I’m not worth it.”

Some days I can ignore these messages, laugh at them, or even disagree on a few points. But I can never refute the whole message, and even if I am ignoring it, I don’t discount it. Today I need to see some positive results from the efforts of my life over the last 3-6 months. Squat. Just a big mess. Maybe these are long-term projects, results won’t be evident for a long time. Shit. I’m not that patient. I don’t have enough faith for that.

Some of the issues in question are:
S- his life, his education, his health – both mental and physical
Diva- her life, her mental state, her education
Sproing- his life, his future, his temper and attitude
My kitchen- will I get the cabinets cleaned, painted, and everything put back in them? Or will the kitchen forever look like someone is either moving in or moving out? Will we ever be able to eat at the tab le again?
My living room- O.M.G. That is all.
Oh, shit, the whole rest of the house. Ever seen the show “Clean Sweep?” My whole house is one giant “before” picture. S and I were supposed to work on the living room Friday, but he had to make up absences at school and I got sick with a 24-hour virus, so nothing got done. Even if I hadn’t been barfing my guts out, S and C stayed out ALL FUCKING NIGHT the night before so they were exhausted.

That’s the thing. S promises to do all these things, like go to school, but “something came up” and he had to stay out with his friends all night. BULL SHIT!
OK, I’m rambling again. And I am not coherent. I am, however, tired. I just wanted to post my frustrations (sorry, gang, for the downer) and go to bed. Thanks for listening.

Oh, shit. Now I can’t post this damn diatribe because “Superman” kicked the power strip, turned the whole thing off. It controls the base computer and the wireless router so now I can’t connect. This is my life. Unconnected to the vital elements that keep me motivated. Shit. I’m going to bed. Shit.