Because I was mad

For the past few months my depression has been, I dunno, in remission or something. I've been feeling pretty good. Happy, even, some days. But the depression monster is creeping back in. I have days that are not good. The good days are not as good as they were a couple of months ago. Yesterday was a very not good day.

I don't know why. I can't think of anything that has or has not happened to tip me over. I'm overly sensitive, which smacks of hormones. On Saturday night C and N failed to include me in a project they were doing, one that I'd mentioned an interest in. I was incredibly hurt, more so than the situation warranted. I don't know, maybe that had something to do with why I felt a bit off yesterday. But it doesn't explain why I got so upset on Saturday. I just don't know.

So, about yesterday (Sunday). Self-loathing was the theme of the day. In related news, I needed a haircut. Why am I uncomfortable about getting my hair cut by professionals? My theory is that, to me, a haircut is an intimate encounter. Not as intimate as cuddling, but more intimate than sitting beside someone on a bus/train/airplane. I don't want just any stranger to cut my hair. Even the woman who cut my hair for 10 years was too much of a stranger. She moved out of town, and I'm not going to Erie or Cleveland or wherever she went just to get my hair cut. I was kind of used to her cutting my hair, but I wasn't comfortable.

But the hair was annoying me. It has that habit. Feeling unworthy to get a professional cut, I cut it myself. It's a mild, perhaps passive-aggressive, definitely less painful form of self-mutilation. No one was at home, Sproing and Superman having gone out to do something they told me they were going to do but I now forget. I think it involved washing the car, but no matter. I got my scissors and went into the bathroom. I emptied the garbage can and put in a fresh liner, then sat on the edge of the toilet, leaned over the garbage can, and began cutting my hair. And crying. Crying silently, which is how I usually cry. I'm good at it, except for the annoying sniffles that I can't stifle. It's a duct thing.

When Superman and Sproing got home, they came into my office where I was sitting doing my homework (or goofing off online, like I am now). Superman looked at me in surprise and asked what I'd done, why I'd done it, something like that. I forget exactly what he said. Sproing knew, though. He said that I got mad and cut my hair. The kid knows more than he lets on.

It looks pretty bad. I can't figure out if I'm upset about that or not. I'm staying home today, but I have school tomorrow. Maybe I can convince Superman to even up the back. I took the clippers to my neck with very uneven results. It looks bad and/or funny, depending on one's perspective. Oh well. I cut my hair and now I have to lie in it.

Another one

Rough day.

Went to my aunt and uncle's church this morning. That went well. I have visited that church occasionally since I was a teen. It's a lovely place, both architecturally and spiritually. My cousins are members there, also. Today is the first time I've been to church since Lent. No, wait, I didn't go during Lent. I went during Advent. I think I went to church once in mid-January, but that's the last time. Anyway, I went today and it was lovely. I sat next to my Aunt J and she is lovely. The whole thing was just lovely.

This afternoon I took Mama over to my cousin's house. Today is the cousin's birthday and she hosted a party. I think my aunt was going to have it at their house, but Mama can't get into their house because of the steps. My cousin's house is pretty flat and easy to access.

There were all these people there. Ugh. No, it wasn't particularly crowded. There were (hang on, I'm counting)... 11 people there. Three of them I don't know very well. Whatever. Lunch was a salad buffet, with fruit and crackers and dip in addition to lettuce and a bunch of salad toppings. I got Mama settled into a recliner then got her some fruit and crackers. After everyone else got his/her plate, I had the chance to get mine. But before I could sit down to eat Mama was ready for her salad. So I got Mama's salad. It was frustrating because she was in the den, I was in the kitchen with the food, and I wasn't sure what to get her. I tried asking, but others were talking and we couldn't understand each other very well. But I fixed her food and took it to her.

I finally got to sit down. But by then I was overwhelmed. How? By what? I'm trying to figure that out. Work with me here. Some possible causes:

• Too many people
• People I don't know
• Being too much the servant, not being served
• Making a mess

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that part. I poured myself some Coke and spilled a little drop on the counter. No biggie, but I wanted to wipe it up and needed help getting something with which to do that. Cousin's husband (host) helped me with that. I thanked him very kindly, and mentioned that I tend to be messy. When I got a refill, the soda (pop?) fizzed up on me and overflowed rather dramatically. I needed more paper towels for that. Oops. When I was getting Mama's salad I kept dropping toppings. I dropped olive slices on the floor, dropped croutons on the floor... Salad ingredients seemed to leap off the plate and onto the floor. I felt like a dumb klutz. Nobody said anything about it. No one else needs to. I fill in the criticism all by myself.

So I finally had my plate and was sitting at the table. I began to cry. As Gregory says, I leaked. I wasn't sobbing or anything, but as my eyes filled up so I couldn't see my salad clearly, I got up and went to the bathroom. I sat on the edge of the tub and cried (quietly) for a while. After a bit I washed off my face (and was faceless. Boy did that look weird!) and returned to the table. I resumed my meal and pretended everything was fine. Even if anyone had noticed and asked what the problem was, what could I say? I can't put it into words myself. Very frustrating.

As I sat on the tub I asked myself why I'm upset. I felt put-upon. I felt out of place. I felt I didn't belong, except to take care of Mama. Again, no one gave any indication of that intent. I came up with it all by myself. Troublesome thing, aren't I? And I asked myself if I had any valid reason to feel that way. I never came to any conclusion about that. I did want to come right home and write about it, though. I need this. I need to write it down, talk myself through the feelings, try to figure it out here. And I really appreciate those of you who follow along this angst-strewn path with me, offering encouragement or suggestions.

When I finished my lunch and felt it socially appropriate I went into the front living room, away from everyone else. Then my Aunt J came in to sit with me. She's a sweet lady. She loves me very much, and told me so, and said she wishes I could love myself too. I admitted to her that I'm having a bad day. We chatted a while, and I made nice. I did the things I'm supposed to do. When Cousin began to open her gifts I went into the den and sat beside Mama.

Cousin really liked the cards I picked out. (Got 2 from the store last night, one from me, one from Mama) They were both funny and appropriate. I'm glad she liked them. Anyway, I stayed with the group and pretended to be OK. I tried to join the conversation here and there, but everything I said seemed to be out of place. Not inappropriate or anything, but when adding my perspective to topics of conversation, suddenly the flow of conversation stopped. I guess I'm too unique to play that crowd.

As I cried to myself in the bathroom I had a strong desire to go away. To come back to Mama's and be alone, and to write this post. I wondered how Mama would get home. I could have asked my aunt and uncle to bring her, but I hate asking my uncle for anything. He's a pain in the ass. I also didn't want to call attention to myself. Had I left that would have made a big stir. I really didn't want that drama. I could also have gone outside to sit by myself. But it is hot here. And that, too would have been more drama than I wanted.

Did I do the right thing? When I was having so much trouble at the book club meeting Thursday, I left. I stayed around to "do" for Mama, but I left the meeting. (I blogged about that, didn't I?)(Yup) Should I have left, or was it right to pretend, to fake it, and stay?

I need someone to take care of me. This is one source of these problems. Superman takes really good care of me. Really really good. He knows my weaknesses, understands when I show the painful face. He takes over for me and tells me it'll be alright when I start to make a mess. He gets the jokes, perspectives, opinions I spew forth. I don't feel so alone when he is around. He defends and protects me, runs interference when I need my space.

I posses a lot of strength, this I know. But there is a lot of weakness, too. I'm not sure how that works, and I don't want to think about it right now. I'm good at taking care of others to some extent, and I get a lot of satisfaction from doing so. However, (and this is a big "however") it takes a lot out of me. I'm not sure how this works, either, and I'm confusing myself right now. For the past two weeks I've been doing a LOT of giving, not receiving much. I'm worn out.

I leave here tomorrow. Mama has a doctor's appointment in the morning, and I will take her there. We'll come back here and have some lunch, then I'm going to my Dad's house in Gainesville. I'll spend the night in Gainesville, and hopefully get up fairly early Tuesday and head back to South Carolina. I am looking forward to the drive home. I am looking forward to possibly meeting another blog buddy in Charleston on the way. (Yipee!)

However (another big "however") I am not really looking forward to getting home. Not totally. There are many things about going home that are really good. But home is so much work! Everyone there is so needy! Especially since I've been gone for 2 weeks everyone at home wants a chunk of me. This has not been a vacation for me. With the exception of Superman, I think everyone at home considers me to have been on vacation. I'm not on vacation. I've worked very hard. The physical work hasn't been bad at all. Not like digging ditches for 2 weeks. But the emotional drain has been great. They are going to suck me dry when I get home. So no, I'm not looking forward to going home.

I'm gonna go now. I need another good cry. I'm going to iterate laundry and cry into the dry clothes.

Friday report

A topical approach

Dizzy

I saw the doctor yesterday about my latest episodes of the dizzies. A couple of months ago I was very dizzy, and that was caused by low blood pressure. I needed an adjustment in my blood pressure meds. It is different this time. I was hoping I'd get to go off the blood pressure meds all together, but such is not the case. This time I have a wicked case of vertigo. It's a good thing I'm not prone to motion sickness, as vertigo can cause nausea in those so afflicted.

I've had vertigo before, but not this bad. I'm frequently a little dizzy, and many of the meds I take can cause dizziness. This time it is knocking me flat! I turn over in bed and feel like I'm about to fall on the floor. I have to hold onto the walls and furniture when I move around the house. It comes and goes, waxes and wanes, but doesn't leave completely. For instance, when I got up this morning (after experiencing the radical turn over shift) I was pretty functional. Right now sitting on the bed with my computer in my lap I feel very dizzy. I just got up to use the bathroom, and woosh! Hang on!

I asked the doctor about driving. It seems a bit dangerous for me to be driving just now. He agreed. Actually, when I mentioned it he looked at me like I was nuts to consider that he'd even allow me to drive! Or that I would consider doing it. Of course I had driven myself to the office, and drove myself home, but haven't been behind the wheel since.

As you know, my job is driving. (Driving me nuts, but that's a topic for later.) The doctor wrote a note for work excusing me from work all next week. This week has been our spring break. So next week is my extended spring break. Pretty cool, no? Of course I can't GO anywhere. Whatever.

Who's in the house

This evening has been chaotic. Last night Sproing spent the night with one of his friends, and he's been gone all day. The day was unusually quiet. He still isn't home yet. However, Diva has a friend spending the night here tonight, and said friend is here. Light got home from college this afternoon for the start of her week of spring break. No, she's not a girl going wild on the beaches in Florida. She's home, going to be ferrying me around as I need it, looking for a summer job, and starting a garden in the back yard. Those are her plans. She's a smart, sensible girl. Just like her mother. (HA!)

Twitch is here, chattering as usual. Superman got home a while ago and has been plagued by requests for attention ever since. C is at work tonight, and S is being company for the rest of us. He also cooked a very nice dinner. And I'm looking for some peace and quiet. Again, HA!

Therapy

I went to therapy again today. Superman had to transport me. The therapist and I had a lovely chat over tea. I honestly can't remember a whole lot that we talked about. She gave me homework. I'm to come up with a list of fun, interesting, and/or distracting things I can do to occupy my brain when it starts telling me those bad things. You know the ones; I'm no good, I'm not worthy… that kind of crap. Like Wednesday when the negative voice was loud and I was not having much success doing the positive self talk over it.

So what are some positive activities I enjoy that can take my mind away from the negative? Let's discuss. One thing I like is to listen to my MP3 (it isn't an iPod, so I don't call it an iPod) player; classical music, Baroque stuff, some Beethoven occasionally, Vivaldi strings, Saint-Saens (Symphony #3 is glorious, especially the 4^th movement).

Manny, my wonderful truck, is really fun to drive through the countryside. I have to function on a higher level than I was Wednesday, though, in order to drive. One must be prepared for unforeseen eventualities. Wednesday was too much of a clusterfuck for that.

Another thing that brings me peace is drawing floor plans and house designs. Sometimes that is a wonderful outlet for me. Other times it is just frustrating.

Probably the best thing I can do is get lost in a good book. When the planets align I can do that. I must have enough function to concentrate on the written word, and occasionally even that is too much for me.

OK, I did my homework. Thank you for sitting so nicely while I got through that. If you have any other suggestions I welcome your input.

Oy

I don’t know where to start. So I run around in circles not being any good to anyone for anything. It has been that kind of day. I’m tired. My brain is beating me up. Does your brain ever tell you things that aren’t very nice about you? From what I’ve read on Kickin’ Tina I think warrior scout has this problem sometimes. Or at least used to.

I’ve been told not to listen to these things. But they are very convincing. For instance, “I am incompetent at most of the things I try to do.” “I get started on something, but just can’t see it through, so it ends up being a big mess. This applies to tangible projects and to emotional/social efforts.” “I have failed my children, at least for today, and possibly for a large chunk of their lives.” “No matter how hard I try, I fuck things up.” “I’m not worth it.”

Some days I can ignore these messages, laugh at them, or even disagree on a few points. But I can never refute the whole message, and even if I am ignoring it, I don’t discount it. Today I need to see some positive results from the efforts of my life over the last 3-6 months. Squat. Just a big mess. Maybe these are long-term projects, results won’t be evident for a long time. Shit. I’m not that patient. I don’t have enough faith for that.

Some of the issues in question are:
S- his life, his education, his health – both mental and physical
Diva- her life, her mental state, her education
Sproing- his life, his future, his temper and attitude
My kitchen- will I get the cabinets cleaned, painted, and everything put back in them? Or will the kitchen forever look like someone is either moving in or moving out? Will we ever be able to eat at the tab le again?
My living room- O.M.G. That is all.
Oh, shit, the whole rest of the house. Ever seen the show “Clean Sweep?” My whole house is one giant “before” picture. S and I were supposed to work on the living room Friday, but he had to make up absences at school and I got sick with a 24-hour virus, so nothing got done. Even if I hadn’t been barfing my guts out, S and C stayed out ALL FUCKING NIGHT the night before so they were exhausted.

That’s the thing. S promises to do all these things, like go to school, but “something came up” and he had to stay out with his friends all night. BULL SHIT!
OK, I’m rambling again. And I am not coherent. I am, however, tired. I just wanted to post my frustrations (sorry, gang, for the downer) and go to bed. Thanks for listening.

Oh, shit. Now I can’t post this damn diatribe because “Superman” kicked the power strip, turned the whole thing off. It controls the base computer and the wireless router so now I can’t connect. This is my life. Unconnected to the vital elements that keep me motivated. Shit. I’m going to bed. Shit.