Life with young gay teenagers

Living with teenagers is a pain in the ass. Living with troubled children is a pain in the ass. Living with a troubled young gay teenager is paining me terribly.

This latest bit of angst is with S. He is a senior in high school, and has been a less than model student most of his life. As I have mentioned in other posts, none of his close family members has ever graduated from high school. He is almost finished. He can do it. He's very smart, but he's very insecure (though he'd die before admitting it.)

He started off the school year with a great burst of enthusiastic energy. His early grades were wonderful. I saw a report from his geometry teacher yesterday. He has failed every assignment and/or test for the last 3 weeks. It isn't that he's too stupid to understand the concepts. He might have to study, to work his brain to comprehend, but he's got the native intelligence to do it. But he has been very irresponsible the last few weeks.

About a month ago C, S, and I went to Columbia (SC, capital city) for a gay pride festival. It was my first! Theirs, too. They met a group of other young people from our area. The gay community in Greenwood is so underground we had to go to Columbia to find others from around here. Anyway, the boys have been spending a lot of time with their new friends. I am glad they are making new friends, friends who have so much in common. This is a healthy thing, but they are being unhealth-ily excessive about it.

They've been staying out all night with these new friends. They got home yesterday at 5 a.m. I know this because I was up, getting ready for work at the time. They hadn't been to sleep yet. And this was a Wednesday morning. S got about 2 hours of sleep before he had to get up for school. This sort of thing has been happening 2, 3, 4 times a week for a month. It is no wonder his grades are slipping.

I have been pouring my heart into helping this kid. There are at least 3 people at the school who are bending over backward to help him. Three "social service" types, one of them is his guidance counselor, have gone to bat for him, helping him get medical attention (he of course has no insurance, and no money of his own.) They've intervened with his teachers, the guidance counselor is working her butt off helping him make up some classes he failed last semester, trying to keep him from having to take the whole class over again. And in all of this, S just goofs off.

I'm afraid he's rebelling, or acting out his insecurities, or some such psycho-bull-shit. And I know he is a teenager; 17, almost 18. Therefore of course he is an idiot, as is my son Twitch. But it is time for him to grow up, at least a little bit. Time for him to act responsible for himself and to the people who are trying to help him.

I had a brief talk with him last night. They got home before 10, like he said they would. First time he's told the truth about his comings and goings in a week. So last night I tried to talk to him. I went in to their room, asked him if he was willing/able to hear me at this time. He said he was. I sat down, looked at him, and couldn't think how to begin. So finally I said "You tell me what I'm going to say to you. You give me the lecture." He asked which one. I laughed, said there were a few that applied right now. He said "Is it the one about responsibility?" Yea, that's one of them. I was trying really hard not to cry. I have been very upset about this. I hate to get all teary and cry when I'm trying to discuss issues I care deeply about, with people I love deeply. Finally I reminded him of a talk we had last week, wherein I discussed all the people who are working to help him right now. I told him that I love him very much, that I am pouring large bits of myself into his life. He interrupted me to say "No one appreciates that more than I do." (Cue the tears. Try to get a grip. Continue, shakily...) Well, dammit, show me! Show me with your actions, your behavior. Quit lying to me about how you are going to buckle down, nose to the grindstone, etc. DO IT, don't talk about it. I told him I feel as though he is taking everything I've done, all my love for him, and throwing it back in my face. Then I told him that's all I'm going to say right now, and I left. No long lecture. (this is progress for me. I tend to go on and on, ad nauseum)

When I said he's throwing it all in my face, he diverted his gaze. He's a manipulative little bastard, very good at lying and charming his way out of crap and into good graces. And I'm a sucker, I let him do this to me more than I should. But not this time. I'm sick of it. I am very hurt, very insulted. I know he doesn't mean to, but the point is he (is an idiot) is insulting me and my family. When he couldn't look at me I know I got through. Don't know what he'll do with that. I am willing, nay eager to talk to him, to talk through emotional stumbling blocks, issues, fears he has about proceeding with his life. Honestly, he probably doesn't even know why he's acting this way. He's very proud, hates to admit weakness. I suspect he's afraid we will stop loving him if he admits (perceived) weakness. He is, after all, only 17. I have told him, maybe not often enough, that I love him no matter what. No matter what he does or doesn't do, can or can't do. But this is a relatively new concept for him, and he's had 16 years of the opposing view from people who are supposed to love him unconditionally. He needs to hear it again and again.

Anyway, I'd appreciate comments and/or suggestions. Thanks.