My interesting day so far, and it's early yet

I messed up my computer this morning. I was trying to uninstall something I downloaded but accidentally began to uninstall my display device thing. The program that configures the display. Or something. I really have no idea what I'm talking about. That's part of the problem, and how I got all messed up in the first place. I managed to fix what I broke, but haven't been able to do what I originally intended. Very frustrating!

I didn't sleep well last night. It was later than it should have been when I went to bed, and I woke up at 3. The plan was to go into work this morning. I'm supposed to be working out my 2 weeks notice. Because of the vertigo I couldn't work last week and they managed just fine without me. I thought I would drive today just to see all the kids and tell them I'm leaving for good. But as I was lying in bed chasing my thoughts last night I decided I didn't want to do that. I don't know why exactly. It's possible that we need a clean break, and that break already occurred when I wasn't there last week. Or maybe in my mind I'm already finished with the bus and just can't bring myself to get back on it. Both seem plausible.

Since I had told the boss I'd be there this morning, I went. He was putting another driver on the bus too, just in case I had trouble with the vertigo. This other driver is the one who drove the route last week. I went out to the bus, talked to the driver and told her she can go ahead and drive today if she wants, that I'd rather not do it unless they just needed me for something. She and the monitor are doing fine. So I gave her the rest of the paperwork I had for the route, took my window cleaner and left.

Well, I didn't actually leave just yet. I waited for the boss to get in, and talked to him about my decision. He was cool with it. He thought I wanted to work out this last week of my notice, but I told him that unless he really needed me, I'd be better off not driving. I can tell he's concerned about me. He is a friend. Assuring me he's not trying to pry, he asked if there was something wrong. He knows me well enough to know something is wrong. I told him it had nothing to do with the bus or the job, but he knew that. Honestly, I have no idea what's going on. I'm waiting for something and need some down time to prepare for it, or find it, but don't know what "it" is. He seemed to understand as much as this can be understood, I guess. He said to call him if I need anything or if he can help in any way. I'm going to miss working with him. He's a great boss. A pain in the ass sometimes, but overall a great boss.

So I came home. I'm very tired, should probably take a nap. I have some errands to run, but that can wait until late morning or early afternoon.

I'm uneasy. When I left the bus office this morning I felt like I need to cry, but I don't know why. I'm not particularly sad to be leaving the job. I can see any of those people whenever I need to. Maybe it's a sense of relief. Or maybe I am un-well. I can feel myself beginning to lose my mind. That sounds worse than it is. I say "lose my mind" because I'm not sure how else to explain it. It might be another big bout of depression moving in. I'm having trouble concentrating and making simple decisions. That is a classic symptom of depression. I'm easily distracted (more than usual? What do you think, Light?) and a bit jumpy. Obviously I need a tranquilizer ;) It has been very hard for me to deal with all the cleaning going on around here. Is that a symptom or a cause? I have no idea.

I have had some healthy food, including protein this morning, and am well hydrated. What I need now is sleep. So I'm going to take a nap. Let's see how I feel this afternoon.

Resign

Well, I did it. I turned in my resignation to the boss today. (Monday. It is technically Tuesday now.) I was a bit nervous about it, but just a bit. I was looking forward to it, also.

I got to the office about 12:30 or so. This is a good time because the morning crises are usually resolved and the afternoon drama hasn't begun. He was in his office and in a pretty good mood. He can be a lot of fun to talk to when he's not stressing over some emergency. And he isn't a man to stress unnecessarily.

I had printed up my resignation letter and sealed it in an envelope. I wanted to be able to leave it on his desk if he wasn't in. He opened it, read the first sentence, and looked up at me. "Why? What's going on?" I said "read the rest of the letter."

To give you the sense of things, I'll show you "the rest."

Thank you for the opportunities you have afforded me in this position. I have learned a lot about working with others, but more importantly I have learned a lot about myself. I have experienced great personal growth over the last three and a half years. This experience has been invaluable. You have been a wonderful supervisor and a joy to work with. I hope we can remain friends.

The time has come for me to seek other opportunities; to broaden my horizons and sphere of influence. I will forever be grateful to you and the school district for teaching me to exercise my ability to be a positive influence in the community.

We had a very good discussion. He honed in on the bit about being a positive influence. He told me that he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have had a very positive influence on a lot of people, both students and district employees of one variety or another. Oh, yeah, that made me feel good!

And it went on from there. We touched on a lot of the things I wanted to tell him. Like how I know I do a very good job. I've helped him a lot by taking care of things within my ability to do so, leaving him free from those concerns. (A lot of the other drivers can't or won't do that) We talked about how he has given me a wide variety of experiences since the very beginning. The asshat threw me to the sharks my first day on the job! He put me as a monitor on one of the worst routes in the city! I was flabbergasted, overwhelmed, my naivete was shattered like a fragile crystal goblet thrown against a brick wall. I have driven many different routes, and have learned a lot from each one. Especially about myself. He has been good for me. I told him this.

I told him I feel as though my abilities are being underutilized in this job, that I want to be in a position where I can be more intellectually stimulated and challenged to further my personal growth and influence on others. He seemed to really understand, to sympathize. He was supportive, which pleases me. He could have handled it differently. He could have tried to cajole me into staying a little bit longer. But I'm very proud of myself because I averted that course by being very strong and confident about my decision. And as many of you know, I'm not feeling particularly strong and confident these days.

My resignation was very successful. I feel even better and stronger and more ready to face what lies ahead, whatever that may be.

More ranting about the system, school this time

Yesterday I posted about the bit of trouble I got into when I tried to take S's book bag to him at school. Today my boss stopped me in the lot and stuttered... "I don't need to say any more about yesterday, do I?" Huh? I knew what he was talking about, but didn't know why. I just told him "No, I know I'm supposed to 'do the right thing.'" I continued toward my bus. Thinking. Why would he ask that? Is there more?

So I buzzed him on the two-way. "Did somebody say something else?" He replies "Nothing worth mentioning." Sh!t. That just made me madder. I had calmed down since yesterday, mainly by trying not to think about it. But it came up again. What else? And boss-man isn't forthcoming with details. Probably for the best. But I worried it like a dog with a smelly shoe for half an hour, until work took my mind off of it.

I went into the office after my route. I asked boss-man "Is there something else I should know? Or is there something I already know that I need to be reminded about?"

"No." he says, with his 'everything is fine, just calm down' smile. He's good with that. So we chatted a bit. I (calmly for the most part) explained my dissatisfaction with this rule and the system in general. It helped. Me, anyway. We discussed possible benefits of this rule of not allowing parents to visit the classrooms without the office's stamp of approval. For instance, he says if they make an exception for me to go on the halls, then what's to stop other parents from showing up anytime? Well, for one, I don't know another parent with children in the school who would make the effort to do that! He conceded. (was he humoring me? Maybe) What it comes down to is control. They have it, I don't, so neener-neener on me. And that's the truth-th-th-th. I have no way of winning in any possible way in this dispute.

I did on one previous occasion check in at the office before visiting the teachers. The pinch-faced microencephalon at the reception desk refused to let me out of the office. She called the assistant principal to "take care of me." I never got to see the teachers I needed to see. The a$$ principal told me he'd take care of getting what I needed. (I needed assignments for S who had been suspended by this same a$$ principal the day before, but that's another story and my blood pressure is too high for it now.) He said he'd talk to the teachers and have them all e-mail me with the assignments. That was on a Friday. On Sunday evening I got an email from one teacher. I never ever heard from any of the others. And I know they have my email address because I had been in contact with each of them previously.

-steam comes out the ears-

I ended up apologising to boss-man for getting him mixed up in the middle of this mess. And I thanked him greatly for running interference. I told him I'm very glad he's buffering these messages from the school, and he said "yes, you are!" Again, Sh!t. What I don't know helps keep me out of trouble, I suppose. He's helping prevent me from saying something I'd regret to someone I shouldn't talk to right now. Boss-man is a good guy, overall. Irritating sometimes, but generally beneficial.

A rant about the local public high school

Today I went to the high school to deliver S's book bag to him. ( He is a teenage boy, ergo he is stupid. He left his book bag in the car. ) I know who his teachers are, where their classrooms are, and when he is in those classes. I had to start work soon, and the bus lot is beside the high school, right next to the building where S was in class. So I went in, gave the bag to him. On my way out, a small minded troll lady teacher thing stopped me to tell me I need to check in with the front office whenever I go to the school. She recognised me as a bus driver, and knows I have children in the school.

When I explained that I was there just to give something to the boy, she said "nevertheless, if you don't check in, you are considered to be tresspassing." Hell, lady, I work here! You know who I am! I am here for the benefit of my student! What kind of tight-assed stupid-rule-following bitch are you?

So rather than saying "well, then, go get the resource officer to arrest me," I thanked her very much (with my most sarcastic smile) and went to work. Steaming.

yada, yada, the rest of the work day, etc.

So when I got back after driving my route, I went to see my boss about some bus issues (which may show up in another post ). We got those things squared away for now, and then he says he got a call from the high school principal today. Fuck a duck. That bitch. I have tried to have meetings with this bitch a few times in the last three years. Never has she been available to meet with me. My daughter Light tried to interview her for the school newspaper last year, and the bitch wouldn't give her five minutes. Now, today I walk into the school to help out my boy, and she's all over my ass. (and not in a good way AT ALL)

My boss is a cool fella, though. He knows my intentions, he knows how I feel about bull shit rules. He knows that he would be hurting if I left him. He said all the right things, trying to assuage me. He is very diplomatic that way. So I'll let the system fuck me over. Again. And I will try to make it through Twitch's high school career, then try to find some alternative schooling for the two younger ones.