3:00 Wednesday afternoon
Bad day. Don't know why. Lots of cleaning going on in the rest of the house. Should be a good thing. And really, it is. But for some reason I'm not handling it well. The other members of the household seem to be adjusting very well. I think everyone else feels more comfortable with less chaos. I really like that my kitchen is clean. But I am so incredibly uneasy about something.
I tried to put a load of laundry in the washer. It's a mess in there, and I put a little bit of order to it Sunday, but the good that I did was undone. The hamper I filled with a load of darks was knocked over, the clothes falling out of it. I also put together a hamper of towels to bleach. It had un-bleachable things stuffed in it. The level of dirty clothes on the floor is up to mid calf again. I had it down to ankle deep, with spots of floor showing in one or two places. I completely freaked out about 3 minutes after going in there this afternoon. I started screaming at everyone.
I bought myself some milk yesterday. A small quart jug of skim milk. No one else in the house likes skim, and we never have anything as small as a quart in the fridge. I was able to have a bowl of cereal this morning. But when I came in from my therapy appointment an hour ago my little quart jug was sitting empty on the table. It is incredible how upset that makes me.
What in the hell is wrong with me???? Little shit like this, stuff that is, yes, annoying, is sending me over the brink. This stuff is annoying, but not that tragic. I ran into my bedroom, locked the door, and cried for 15 minutes.
Yes, I had therapy today. All went well. But I come home and go to pieces. I'm not handling things well.
And I'm very dizzy again. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow afternoon. When I'm so dizzy it is hard to concentrate on anything.
10:00 Wednesday evening
Am I doing any better? I don't know. I'm not freaking out quite as actively as before, but I've been hiding in my room most of the day since I wrote the earlier bit. I went to the kitchen to have dinner with the family. I stayed long enough to eat, but came back to my hiding place as soon as I could.
Superman bought me another small jug of milk. I think this time everyone knows it is MOMMY'S milk, leave it the hell alone. He also bought a big jug for everyone else. I have high hopes.
Why do these little things bother me so much?
I don't even want to think about it anymore. I'm going to take a shower and go to bed. I am going to survive this day. Look, it is almost over anyway. Tomorrow I will tackle a new day. Maybe I will be stronger.
4 comments:
It's like the windstorm we had last week blew over a 75 pound pot with a rosebush in it. The thing landed so that I couldn't go out my back door. All's it took was lifting the thing back up into place, and I could go outside. But for some reason, I threw a tantrum about it and went into the kitchen and cried. Mainly because the pot was now slightly cracked, and it was a gift from my Dad. It's not the milk or the pot, it's about trying to get control back in your life, IMHO. Cleaning is a good, productive step in that direction. Hang in there, sunshine.
Sometimes I think when little things bother you it's really a defense when the truth is that something big is bothering you.
oh honey i sure feel what your sayin i do. sometimes the smallest thing will make me fall off the deep end. just remember im always here 2 give u a net hug or an ear if u need it!
(((hugs)))
Oh poot! I hate those days, but I certainly have them. And the places that set me off are when I have made some effort that has been undone and when my boundaries are violated.
Just hugs.
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