Living in the maelstrom

Not doing well today. I think I'm feeling better then WHAM out of nowhere I'm not able to speak clearly, my hands are twitching, I feel the need to bang on something. (repetitive light pounding on some surface, or clapping my hands, or beating my head. Not to hurt, but to ... I don't even know. Maybe this is what Twitch feels like all the time. Poor guy!)

I'm getting teary for no apparent reason. Reading the words of encouragement in the comments on the previous blog ... gives me warm fuzzy feelings and makes me cry, but not really a good kind of cry. My sick "other brain" is giving me those "You are unworthy" messages agian. I recognize them for what they are. It's the illness talking. I'm not supposed to listen.

Let's try this: I know I am a worthy person. (But I don't know why, and truly, I don't believe that.) I have many fine qualities. (But I suck at so many things.) I can be very helpful and encouraging to other people. (I can't accept it for myself.) (No, overall I'm a failure. As C is trying to get me to say, I am "ineffective." That's the word I'm supposed to use instead of "failure.") (My life, it seems to be about 80% ineffective.)

I am sad. OK, more than sad. But for those of you who wonder about these things, No, I am not making plans. I'm not "there" right now at all. Don't worry about that. Yet. I'll mention it to someone if I start to go there. I know better.

Sorry to dump like this. Part of the reason this blog exists is to be honest and open about these feelings. As I try to heal. It might help. It doesn't feel very helpful right now. Having a bad day, nothing feels particularly helpful.

Superman and I are going out for a little walk. We're going to Lowes to look at bathroom sinks and tile. Our bathroom sink/faucet/pipes has/have sprung a leak somewhere. The whole assembly is old and nasty, so we're (he's) going to re-do it. I want this to happen. But today I don't know if I can make ANY decisions. I'm afraid the store might overwhelm me. Hell, sitting here on the bed still in my pj's is slightly overwhelming.

But I think I need to get out, to get dressed and move around a bit. We're going to try that. We are also going to try to drink some more water and eat a peanut butter sandwich. Maybe that will give the ol' body and brain a boost in blood sugar. I did have a good breakfast, good for me and especially good for Superman for fixing me eggs and bacon and toast. He's a super man. And he loves me all the time in spite of how I feel. I might be dead if not for him.

OK, here we go, on with the plan. I'll try to check in later. I'll also try to finish book six. It has been hanging over my head all week, and I REALLY want to get it posted!!! I just haven't had the time and/or energy to work on it. Very frustrating, I promise.

Late afternoon update:
Feeling a bit better now. I went all by myself to Wal-Mart. Had my MP3 stuck in my ears with Mountain Dulcimer music playing. That's how I was able to survive. Kept my blinders on, sort of. Got what I needed, except my prescription. Line was too long, couldn't do it.

Then I went to the fabric store to get a canvas bag. One of my students is celebrating her 18th birthday today, and I'm going to draw some little red ants on the bag and give that to her. She is silly, and often teases me with incorrect information. I tell her she is full of little red ants. So I'm giving her a canvas tote with little red ants on it. I need to draw the ants, because we leave for her party in about an hour.

Bad weather here today. I can hear the tornado warning siren wailing now. Overcast but still and dry just now, but an hour ago we had dark dark dark clouds, hail, strong wind, heavy rain. No swirly cloud, though, that we could see. I can hear thunder now.

I'm off to draw little red ants. Might update later, after the birthday party. I might even take pictures!

Late evening update:
I managed to survive the day. Superman and I went to the birthday party. It was loud, warm, crowded with people I mostly didn't know. I got a few pictures, though. I'll post them in a separate entry. We didn't stay at the party very long.

When we left the party Superman suggested going out someplace for desert and coffee, because neither of us wanted to go home. We got a few phone calls from the kids at home and ended up having to stop by the house to take care of some of that mess. It was a nasty bit of sibling rivalry, all of them being very ugly to each other, and it makes me sad to think about it so I'm not going to say anything more. Much, anyway.

Twitch is 17, Diva and Sproing are both 10. It seems to me, maybe I'm just naive, that the three of them could manage themselves without major trauma for 2 or 3 hours. Not today, anyway. It is such a drain on my personal emotional resources, this fighting, that it isn't worth the grief to go out for an evening alone with my husband. I don't need this crap.

Superman and I left home again after the kids were in bed, went to a local restaurant for dessert. It was nice enough. I was still disgusted about the kids. The dessert he ordered, a hot peach cobbler thing, was still frozen in the middle and was therefore kinda nasty. I had a good piece of cheesecake. We talked to the manager about the frozen hot cobbler, and ended up getting the whole tab erased. We tipped the waitress, 'cause she was a sweetheart, but aside from the tip, we had our dessert and coffee for no munny. The company was nice. He and I worked on a design I have in mind to make a tent in the back of the pick-up. That was the most fun part of the evening.

I'm home now, have had a shower and shampoo. (I bought some new shampoo today. It smells like tangerine. Why? I don't know. Do I like my hair to smell like tangerine? Well, that's a better smell than others I can contemplate.) I'm on the blogs, which is one of my happy places. So the evening is settling in nicely. I'm breathing, thinking sort of clearly, and not crying. Not a bad ending for a bad day. :-)