Another day, and pretty pictures

Well, I didn't have to go to the kids' school today, so that's good. Sproing was home all day, the first day of his suspension from school. Superman gave him lots of work to do around the yard. Sproing feels good about himself when he can accomplish tasks like that. He hasn't been as annoying as he was yesterday.

Part of the problem, I think, is hormones. Mine. I am in a super pissy mood and have no patience for anyone. The only one I want to spend any time with is Superman, and that's iffy.

Didn't do jack shit today. Today's accomplishments: put away some of our clean clothes, take a shower, mix up a batch of bread, and refrain from killing the children. OK, that last one was a biggie. Yeah, it's been a busy day. I slept for three hours this afternoon because I'd had enough interaction with my sons. I had to escape and that's the best way I could think of. Also, I was tired.

Oh, one other thing I did this evening is change the slide show on my desktop background. Been wanting to do that for a while. I have lots of saved images of pretty things, so I put a bunch of them in the slide show rotation. Here's a sample.

These first four are from the recent National Geographic photo contest. I followed a link on facebork or something. Oh, hang on, I think the next one is also one of the Nat Geo winners. 

 I have no idea where the rest of these photos are from. I'd like to give credit where credit is due, but I've been lax about citations as I add these pretty things to my "pretty pictures" file. Sorry. I don't actually own the rights to any of the photos in this post. That's my daily disclaimer. You're welcome.

It is probably organic

Today is not going well for me. The problem is most likely organic in nature. Sure, I have a lot of stress right now, but my lack of ability to cope feels more like a chemical/hormonal imbalance than merely an emotional reaction to the stress. I feel like I am on the brink of insanity. On days like today I realize just how thin my veneer of mental health is. 

And yes, I took my medicine today and have been consistently taking my medication for a long time.  

Difficulty organizing my thoughts

Anger; inappropriately high levels of anger, especially toward the children

Inability to form complete sentences when speaking to those children

Inability to form coherent sentences at all

Hyper-critical of my own thoughts and actions

Desire to withdraw from almost all social interaction 

Desire to inflict bodily harm; self-flagellation (I'm too wimpy to actually do it, but I think it would be appropriate under the circumstances.)

Suicidal ideation*

Sometimes I wish I'd never had any children at all, ever. Even though I love my children, and don't mean to insult or in any way harm them, there are times when I think my life would have been less traumatic if I'd just left well enough alone. If I were childless, though, I'd probably have regrets. Right now I see no way to escape deep feelings of despondency, helplessness, hopelessness. regret, sadness.

I am unwell.

*No, I'm not going to kill myself. There are too many people dependent on me. Sometimes I wish I could, though.

Disconnect

It has been a difficult weekend. Diva and Sproing have been busy exhibiting the worst in pre-adolescent behavior. I am crazy again.

If you've been paying close attention for a while, you may notice that occasionally my sanity quits working. It usually lasts 3-7 days. I strongly suspect hormones. And most will agree that there is a decent amount of stress in my life. Well, I seem to be going through another episode of insanity. 

Not able to concentrate well

Crying a lot

Sleeping a lot and then not sleeping for long stretches

Not able to form coherent sentences

Stuttering 

Getting inordinately angry, especially at the children

That's been my weekend, interspersed with bursts of creativity and deep philosophical thought. The background drone through all this is heavy despair from the omnipresence of evil in the world, and its effect on the innocents. 

There is a long list of mundane disturbances to my peace, but most of them I've mentioned before. The only really new thing is that tonight the van broke down when Superman was on his way home from taking Light back to school. Thankfully he was almost to our county when the van died. It's on the side of the highway about 1 or 1.5 miles on the other side of the lake. So that's another thing we get to deal with tomorrow. Otherwise I don't want to talk about it. 

And now I'm going back to bed. Maybe tomorrow I will be more sane. 

Miscellany

A worthy quote:
If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.-Desmond Tutu, clergyman (b. 1931)

There has been some discussion in the previous post about the term "bug ugly." I chose it for this application because I am intrigued by its assonance. Sometimes the term "butt ugly" is more appropriate, and there are other adjectival phrases concerning the designation "ugly" that one uses from time to time. In the case of this unfortunate vehicle, "bug ugly" seemed to be apt.

We had a terrible hormone storm last evening. The darling Diva, age 10, is starting to fall under the influence of puberty. The poor child (or rather, her poor parents) suffered utter despair because her daddy wouldn't help her bake a chocolate cake. Then she discovered a bag of her old dress-up play clothes I was throwing away and tried to sneak them back in the house. I saw her and directed her back outside with them. The world just about came to a stand-still. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. It matters not that she didn't take care of the dresses, left them on the floor to be stepped on or shoved under a bed. No, because "Light gave them to meee^eeee^ee." (^ = that sob-hiccup thing) When talking to Light later, she informed me that she'd already taken the dresses away from Diva for the exact same reason. I'm sure Diva remembers it quite differently. Throughout the evening much drama was endured by all. Superman let her fix a cherry cobbler he had planned to make for dessert, and that lifted her spirits considerably.

I am not looking forward to the next 6-8 years. At. All.

Coming soon, really, book six in my brief (HA!) history. I had a limited period of peace and quiet yesterday morning to either work on the history or check my blogs. I knew I'd have less restricted time later in the evening to do more. I chose to check blogs in the morning. The drama here last evening prevented any kind of contemplation (aside from infanticide) necessary to work on the history. So here we are, updateless.

Going Backward

I have a new social theory.

Are you familiar with the adage that the elderly, especially those suffering some form of dementia, are in their second childhood? Well here's a new take on middle age. What we consider middle age in this culture is like a second adolescence.

Consider this:

Adolescence	Middle Age
Rapidly fluctuating hormones influence behavior and attitude	Hormone balance changes, especially with women going through menopause, and influence behavior and attitude
Trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life	Mid-life crisis: ditto
Rebelling against parents; trying to become independent from parents	Parents rebelling against you; parents becoming dependent on you
A sense that you've got your whole life ahead of you, so go for it!	A sense that at least half your life is over. Retirement is ahead, time and freedom to do what you want, so go for it! While you still can…
Worrying about the future	Worrying about the future (OK, this one is consistent throughout life)

There are probably more similarities, but that's what I can think of right now. What do you think? Agree or disagree? Have any characteristics to add?