Random shit

I've decided to be Pete. I decided that on the way to the jailhouse to see Sproing this morning. I thought about lots of things on the drive (1.5 hours) to see Sproing. It was a lovely morning. So, this Pete thing: Pete, but not instead of Java. Still Java, but Pete if/when I'm a guy. My parents were going to name me Robert because Robert Burns' birthday was my due date. (Different year) I was born a couple of days earlier, and son of a gun, I was a daughter. That saved me from the fate of Robert. Not that there's anything wrong with Robert. I've known some very nice Roberts. I don't like the name for me, though.

Signs of aging:

• I mostly drink decaf coffee because too much caffeine does odd things to my nerves and my heart.
• My nose hairs are turning gray. 
• I can make dot-to-dot pictures with the age spots on my arms and back of my hands. 

I practiced my southern accent in the truck on the way to the jailhouse. It's a random sort of accent, not associated with any one particular location. I think. I learned a few East Tennessee-isms from my father-in-law. "Lord, help!" for example. I don't know how to spell it so reads like it sounds, but the whole thing is said with exasperation. The kiddie jail is in Union, SC. That'd be "yooon-yun" with an extra long yoooo and a flat u in -yun. 

Superman is away for the weekend. I was away for a week,and I'm back now. Hi, y'all! Had a great time at the Bloggerpalooza. Superman went to his folks' place to celebrate his aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary. That'll happen Sunday afternoon, as those things do in The South(TM). He'll come home Monday. Then Sproing comes home from jail on Tuesday. Yeah, we thought he'd be in custody for 60 days, but the DJJ office in our county messed up his paperwork. I'm mostly glad he gets to come home. He probably doesn't need to be there. Diva, on the other hand, should be in DJJ custody. Or someone else's custody besides mine. Someone responsible, not her "grown" 18 year old friend. I don't want to talk about it. 

When I don't post for a while, that probably means I'm depressed. That's why I didn't post earlier in the week. I had a great trip, lots of fun driving and seeing people I like. I was happy. Then I had to come home, and damn, y'all, my home life is shit, Superman excepted. Today I took another drive. To the jailhouse, sure, but on the way home I took a detour. I wanted to see where this highway intersects a highway coming back toward Greenwood. I saw some lovely things and some depressing things. There sure are a lot of trailer houses in rural South Carolina. And a lot of them are really ugly. 

I'm coming down with some kind of lung crud. Haven't had bronchitis in a long time, but that's probably what this is. It's in the annoying stage now, when I have a slight cough, my chest feels heavy, and my throat is a bit rough. However, my throat could feel rough because of all the drive-singing I did recently. Including today. I belted out loud songs to which I know not the lyrics. Things can get funny that way. 

Tuesday March 25th is the first anniversary of my Daddy's death. I'm OK, I think. Death happens, he was sick (sicker than we thought he was), he didn't linger and wasn't in too much pain for very long. I miss him. I feel bad for my step-mom who is alone now. We'll see what the 25th brings. That's the day we have to drive back to Union to get Sproing. Yeah, we have to pick him up; no delivery like he had last time. So I'll be busy, which is probably good. Don't know yet if Superman will be available to go with me to get the boy. 

I bemoan my traitorous heart. I have a crush* on another guy. It's not a big or painful crush; easy to ignore. But I dreamed about him last night. And Superman is away, not here to distract me. This guy is totally inappropriate for me. I mean, absolutely. For one thing, he's younger (by a year or two) than Twitch. He is an adult, but not "grown" in the way Diva thinks anyone who turns 18 is automatically mature and responsible. Actually this guy is pretty irresponsible. He shows addictive tendencies. Spent six months in jail last year on drug charges. But oh, my, is he cute!! He's beautiful. Tall, thin but not too thin, brown hair, sweet smile, and friendly to talk to. I really don't know him very well. He might be a total ass. But he's lovely to look at. 

I was going to talk about the weather not doing what "they" predicted, but I see that it is now sunny just like the forecast said. It was overcast at midday. Now at 5-ish the sun is back out. I like the sun, as long as it's effects are mitigated by cooler temperatures. Yeah, I'm picky. 

*"Crush" might be too strong a word, actually. Visual appreciation might serve better. 

Happy things!

Greetings from Delaware! Yes, I am at the Bloggerpalooza II, 2014, and having a mostly marvelous time. It would be most marvelous if Superman could be here with me. Alas, we have these parental responsibilities that must be met, so Superman is at home with the naughty girl. I'm going to concentrate on the positives here, though.

It's great to see my blogger friends again. There are a few missing, and sorely missed. But there are also a few new folks here this year. I got to meet Sluggy, a.k.a. slugmama. She's a delight. I also met Pat, a friend of Ron's, and the Travel Penguin whom I'd never even heard of. Travel Penguin and his husband Jay came for tonight's (Saturday) banquet. A good time was had by all.

Alas, it is late. I am tired. There is much to do tomorrow, so I'll post a few pictures of tonight's festivities before I go to bed.

The cocktail bar area, pre-banquet

 The distribution of prizes

 Everyone besides those taking pictures are paying rapt attention.

Stuff, some of it disturbing

I am with Light now in Pennsylvania. It's good to be here, good to see her. We'll go see her art exhibit tomorrow evening... in the snow, evidently. Right now it's sunny and pretty here, but it's supposed to get very cold and wet, beginning with rain in the early hours tomorrow, but staying above freezing  most of the day. By night, though, it's supposed to change to snow. Then I leave the day after, in ice and snow it looks like. I'll be driving to the Bloggerpalooza in Lewes, DE on Thursday. Looks like I'll need to add a couple of hours to my drive time for this weather. I think this is the system the Weather Channel is calling Vulcan. OK, just looked at the report and this part of PA will only get light snow. But what about the water that falls before the freeze? East of here, and into DE won't be affected, snow-wise, so maybe it'll be OK.

And I'm super-duper looking forward to the Bloggerpalooza, even though the man who SHOULD be with me is back at home dealing with shit. I'll get to that in a minute. He and I are both really pissed that he could not come this time.

So, the shit at home concerns Sproing this time. He had his follow-up court appearance today, his chance before the judge after spending a few weeks (5, I think it was) in the evaluation center, what I like to call "jail lite." The DJJ office and the attorney recommended that he be put on probation, with the understanding that if he violated probation at all he'd be put back into DJJ custody for the remainder of his term. But no, not this judge. As Superman said, he got the hangin' judge today. She sent his ass to jail for 9 months. I am upset. Superman is upset. Sproing is beside himself. Superman said he was crying when they took him away. He'll be back at the eval center for a few weeks (60 days, but probably less) then be put into "placement." Don't know what placement means. The nice lady from DJJ said that could mean anything from foster care to group home to "I'd like to vacation here." So we'll see. He'll be subject to random drug tests, be enrolled in whatever school is available where he's placed, and maybe some other stuff but I can't remember what else Superman read to me.

Sproing has been doing so much better recently. He definitely learned that he doesn't want to go back to jail after his first stint in the jail lite. I really hope he doesn't become bitter and harder from this. It might work to his advantage, you know. He might learn a very valuable lesson and become a better person, etc. I can hope.

Why don't they do this with Diva?? She's the one who really needs to get the hell out of the home. She has some charges pending, but no news yet on when she'll go to court. I hope she gets this same judge, though. I'd love for her to be sent away. Maybe something like this would improve her attitude, too.

Anyway, I'm pretty upset about Sproing being sent away. And I'm upset about Diva still being at home. Actually, right  now I'm just kinda upset. Think I'll go sew for a while, listen to some happy music, and try to chill.

P.S. I had a fantastic road trip yesterday. Left home at 4 a.m. and drove for about 13 hours to get to Light's place. Had a really good trip, listened to some awesome music, didn't use a map or directions or anything and got here MAKING NO WRONG TURNS AT ALL!!!! I'm particularly proud of that. I will need directions to Lewes, though, because I don't know how to get there from here. The directions are printed out and attached to an official looking clipboard in my truck. I'll let you know how it goes.

One of these days I'll write something happy

Next weekend is the second annual Bloggerpalooza. I'll be there. We had a grand time last year, and I am looking forward to meeting old friends and new. Unfortunately Superman will not be with me. Remember all the crap that Diva has done recently? We can't leave her with Twitch. He's not able to deal with her, and she would take advantage of him so fast. Both Superman and I are super pissed off about this.

We had such a good time last year getting away together. It's the first time in ... no, it was the second time in a very very long time that Superman and I were able to get away together, just the two of us. The first time was the summer before, 2012, when I wrecked the little Aveo in West Virginia. He drove up to bring me home and we spent one night there in Lewisburg, WV together. We had a wonderful time, even though I'd wrecked the car. I think we hadn't been away together just the two of us since before we adopted Sproing back in 1998. How fucked up is that? Then last March we spent a fantastic four days together, then my Daddy died (the Monday after the Bloggerpalooza weekend) and we went together to Gainesville, FL to be with the family and deal with that shit. Technically that was time away together, but because it piggy-backed the Bloggerpalooza and was because of my Daddy's death, it doesn't count. I mean, really. This past year has been hell thanks primarily to Sproing and Diva, and we could use some time together.

On the positive side, I'll be able to see Light. I'm leaving early Monday to go to Pennsylvania to spend a couple of days with Light and see her art show. I'll drive to Delaware on Thursday for the festivities there.

Let's talk about music. I'm not a huge music fan like lots of people I know. I like a variety of genres. I'm particularly fond of classical music, most kinds. Some of the avant garde dissonant stuff doesn't do it for me, but otherwise I like classical music. There are some country songs/artists I like (Kenny Chesney comes immediately to mind). I like soft jazz, piano jazz, but in general jazz isn't one of my favorite genres. It's hit or miss with contemporary pop songs. I like a lot of pop and rock from the 60s and 70s when I was growing up. There are very few hip-hop or rap songs I like, but there are some. My CD collection includes a random handful of classical stuff, my most recent favorite being the complete collection of Beethoven symphonies. When I was in my country music phase I collected a bunch of CDs. Some of them I still like, some I don't. I should get rid of some of that stuff I don't really like.

The majority of my CD collection, however, is oldies. Stuff I grew up loving. The CDs of vinyl albums we had when I was a kid. When they package those CDs they include my baggage. If I hear the song on the radio, I think "I remember that song! I loved that song." In a fit of reminiscence I buy the CD. Then I play it and all the baggage comes falling out and I can't listen to the songs without wallowing. I should get rid of those, too, I suppose. I've decided that I need to get some new stuff that I like. One recent acquisition is Jason Mraz. I really like most of his stuff. He's got a positive energy I find helpful. I've also recently become enamored of Peter Bradley Adams. This is the song that caught my attention. Think I'll get one of his CDs.

He's lyrical and melodic, has good harmonies and simple instrumentals. I hear some James Taylor influences. James Taylor is one of my old time favorites that I can listen to without pain. Oh, I also recently got a Jackson Browne CD (Late for the Sky) that I'm getting to know. Most of the songs on that album are new or not very familiar to me.

Enough of that. Now I'm figuring out my route from here to PA, then to Lewes, DE, and back home. I need to break up the trip home and I'll stay with one of my cousins in Virginia, either the one in Virginia Beach or her sister in Richmond. I've stayed in Richmond the past few times I've needed a layover. I'd like to see the VA Beach cousin, but she is a teacher and has work on Monday, so Sunday night is a school night (the night I'll be staying over) and that might mess up her schedule. I dunno. I need to decide, I need to make plans.

OK, I've been working on this post since late morning. It's nearing 9:00 now, so I'm gonna post this sucker. And speaking of 9:00, change your clocks. Daylight Saving Time returns overnight.

I do NOT like this much drama in my life! Now with update!

If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know that my youngest daughter Diva and I do not get along. And I think I've said here that she doesn't want to be with us. Well, right now she's not. She ran away from home yesterday. We think she's with a friend of hers, and the friend's older sister came by this morning to discuss things with us. The older sister is a great little lady. Diva's friend seems to be about as fucked up as Diva is. The friend turned 18 years old last week so she thinks there are no rules. Diva has always worked on the belief that rules don't apply to her.

I am not at all surprised that she ran away. In a yelling match last week she told me she had all her stuff packed and ready to go. I didn't take her too seriously at the time, and really don't know what I could have done about it anyway. She has rejected our authority and I don't know how to change that. Her friend's big sister (let's call her Big Sis) recommended that we beat Diva. I don't feel right about doing that, though it might be what's necessary. I won't do it. She's stronger than me and will beat me if I try. I know. We've had a couple of physical altercations already and I don't want to do that again. Am I afraid of her? Physically, yes.

I didn't sleep well last night. I'm worried about the child. I love her and care what happens to her. I don't particularly like her right now, though there are times when she's quite pleasant to be with. I don't think she ought to live with us, but we haven't found any safe place to house her. I contacted a local children's home last week about taking her, but especially now that she's run away I think she's too big a risk for them to take. I have a couple of other leads, one of which I just emailed. The other is a military school I just found out about. Their homepage is opened in another tab right now.

And right now my chest kind of hurts. It's a dull ambiguous ache high in the middle of my chest. Also, there is not enough chocolate in this house.

Diva

This picture was taken two years ago, but she still looks about the same. Her hair is different now. She's wearing a wig, long straight black hair with bangs. Her own hair is "natural" (not straightened or permed) and fairly short.

That's about all I have now. I'll update if there is anything new to add.

UPDATE:
She came home on her own tonight (Sunday night) around 11:30. She's here, but very unhappy about it. We aren't sure what we're going to do next. 

Here's another post

Somebody suggested that I post more often. So here's another post. What will it say? I don't know yet.
In the meantime, enjoy this post:

Yet another post

One reason I haven't posted recently is that I don't want to talk about it. It's too damned depressing. 

Yeah, I'm depressed, and it affects the way I communicate. My thoughts are disorganized and so is my communication. I don't make sense to myself, so I doubt I make sense to anyone else. 

I saw my therapist today. She knows I am depressed. She sympathises. She wants to help us get Diva into a group home or something. 

There's a group home here in Greenwood. I contacted the admissions director the other day to see about getting Diva in there. She says they have space for her, but there is of course more to the application process. I dropped off some of Diva's records yesterday - the discharge summary from the psychiatric residential facility, the latest IEP* from the school, that sort of thing. I've arrange for the school psychologist to send their psych evaluation to this place. Next step is for us to have an interview. Or for them to interview Diva, I'm not sure which. The invitation to interview depends on whether or not the paperwork I've already submitted scares the admissions director off of Diva. We shall see. My therapist knows the admissions lady and will call her to put in a good word for us/Diva. 

Superman had a heart scare Tuesday. His heart was fluttering something awful, beating really fast, he was dizzy and short of breath. I took him to the emergency department. The doctor he got is the best cardiologist in town, according to reliable sources. Superman was experiencing atrial fibrillation, which is the leading cause of stroke. FML. But, it's also very common and very easy to manage. I pretend not to worry. 

So, do you think stress might be a factor? Do you, like me, think that Diva in particular and the sons in addition are killing us? 

Diva did a bad thing last weekend. She was grounded, but convinced her daddy to allow her to exchange one day of being grounded (Friday evening to Saturday evening) for being grounded the rest of this week. We brokered a similar deal with Sproing not too long ago. So yeah, we let her spend the night/day with her friend in Abbeville (the next town west of us). The little bitch pulled the switcheroo, though. See, I knew we shouldn't trust her, but I went along with the plan anyway because what the fuck. Her daddy trusted her, though. He was to pick her up at 6:30 Saturday evening. To make a long painful story short, he didn't actually get her until 7:30 Sunday evening. She kept calling to say she wasn't at her friend's house, they were in another town visiting relatives or some such. It's all lies anyway, so whatever. The thing is that he trusted her and she broke his trust. Again. And this was the last straw. He is heartbroken, really. 

I had a little talk with her this afternoon. I explained that she did herself in this time, that her daddy who has always had her back, who has always given her the benefit of the doubt, is now finished with her. 

Superman was in a state Sunday evening, and since then, too. He is in mourning for the little girl he wishes he had. You probably know I gave up on her (mostly) a long time ago. It hurts to see how much she has hurt him. 

There's more, too. More that involves her screaming and cussing at us for an hour right after Superman got home from the hospital. She insists that she's going to move to Abbeville to live with her friend. That ain't happenin'. We're the parents, we have legal responsibility for her, etc. and we're not going to let her live with some other skanky ho to get into all kind of trouble. We will, however, let her live at this group home. At first she balked (that's a very understated way to describe her reaction) but after finding out more about the place she's more willing to consider it. I hope to all the gods available that they accept her. 

Sproing is home and nothing has changed about the way he interacts with the family. I don't know how to describe it. He's bossy, shifts blame, bitches about any task we give him (though he usually does what we ask if we leave him alone), and ignores the rules he doesn't like. He goes before the judge again on March 11th for his final ... whatever the legal term is. This is when the judge considers the results of his evaluations from the evaluation center (the kiddie jail he was in) and makes a final judgement on what to do with him. I have no idea how that will go. Frankly I haven't the emotional energy to give a fuck. I'll deal with it when it happens. 

Twitch is looking for a job. Sort of. In a very lazy half-assed way. His presence irritates me because he's being such a leech. I "encourage" him to get out there and pound the pavement, but godalmighty I'm so fucking depressed that I barely have the energy to give him a dirty look. 

Superman and I will leave here as soon as we're finished at court with Sproing on the 11th. We'll drive up to Pennsylvania to see Light. Her art exhibit is up until the third week of March and I really want to see it. So on the way to Delaware we're going to swing by Indiana, PA. Yeah, it's a round-about way to get to Delaware from South Carolina, but it involves seeing Light so it's all good. Then Thursday we'll head to Lewes, DE for the Bloggerpalooza. Oh my stars I'm so looking forward to seeing my blog buddies and being away from home! It feels like years since I did anything resembling fun. I had a blast on my road trip last summer, and that's probably the last time I had fun. Being so depressed makes it seem like I've never known fun and will never have any fun ever again. So I'm going to Delaware looking for fun. 

"They" say that being involved in charitable activities helps relieve feelings of despondency. Tomorrow (Friday) I'll spend a few hours with a sweet little old lady who is slowly dying of heart failure. It's my Friday thing for now. Until she dies. This is the third Hospice patient I've had the privilege** of visiting. She isn't quite as spunky as the last lady I sat with, but she's very nice. Her daughter (the caregiver) is nice, too. I'll take my knitting. I knat last week and she enjoyed watching me. I find that amusing, but whatever to amuse a poor dying lady, I'll do. I think I left my little scissors there. They weren't in my tote bag when I got home. 

And that's about all I know. It's pretty damned depressing. Maybe one day I'll be able to post something that has nothing to do with my children and that is pleasant. This ain't it. 

*IEP - Individual Education Plan

**"Privilege is not spelled with a "d" anywhere. Remember that, Java. Also, it truly is a great privilege to visit with these Hospice patients. 

stuff

I should really post more often. I need the therapy. Also, a lot of shit happens in my life and I need to keep up here.

Sproing was sprung from kiddie jail today. He has a scheduled appearance before the judge on March 11th, which happens to be my baby brother's birthday, to confuse you with unrelated details. Back to Sproing; he's doing pretty well. He is most definitely glad to be back home. He is showing respect for his parents, at least. Let's do the work to keep this up, Java and Superman!

I feel that I'm a neglectful parent. I really am to some extent. My excuse is that I get easily overwhelmed. Is that just a flimsy excuse or a valid reason? I'm not sure. Maybe a bit of both.

My keyboard "m" is wonky. Stingy. I try to use it and it doesn't give me the m. Sometimes. There must be tiny gremlins under the key keeping it from fully depressing. How depressing. My space bar isn't giving me space, either. Hmm. First world problems.

So I was released from the hospital today. Only stayed one day. I had some odd chest pain yesterday (Tuesday) so Superman took me to the emergency department. The EKG in the ER looked good, but they admitted me for observation and testing. I passed the tests. I had a stress test this morning and everything looked good, according to the doctor. The official diagnosis (I think) is PVC, Premature Ventricular Contraction. Because my heart otherwise looks fine, these PVCs are benign. Probably. I am currently wearing a Holter monitor, also known as an ambulatory electrocardiography device (isn't that a fun phrase!) that will check these things. I get to wear it for 24 hours (until 2:30 Thursday afternoon) and can't get it wet. No shower, in other words. Also, I didn't bathe yesterday while in hospital. I had a monitor on then, too, with sticky tabs stuck to my chest. Doesn't mix well with water. So I'm a little bit funky. My scalp bothers me the most, but I will wash my hair in the sink tomorrow (too tired tonight) and everything will be fine.

Reading the above linked website, I learned that some possible causes of PVCs are caffeine (I drink decaf coffee and not much other caffeinated stuff) and electrolyte imbalance. The doctor showed me the blood test results indicating that my magnesium level is slightly low, so that might be something. Alcohol may also be a cause, and indeed I notice the heart palpitations, or flutters, more often after I've had a couple of beers. Stress and insufficient sleep can make them worse. Well, by golly, I've got the stress thing in the bag, don't I? I talked to the day shift nurse this morning. We had a lovely chat. I told her some of the stuff going on in our household, the challenges with Sproing and Diva, etc. Her unofficial diagnosis for the cause of my chest pain is stress. She was kinda funny. "Honey, it's stress that brought you in here!" It was quite an exclamation the way she said it. Maybe you had to be there.

Anyway, I have Trigemini. That's a PVC every third beat. Not all the time, but when it's doing its PVC thing it'll go every third beat. I have actually listened to it and noticed the every third thing. I have a stethoscope and sometimes listen to my heart when it feels fluttery. This often happens at night when I lie down to sleep. The fluttering keeps me awake (how does that help?). In summation, my heart dances the waltz.

Updates on news from the last post:
Twitch needs to get his ass in gear. He's being a lazy SOB. Time for Mama to kick some lazy butt. He needs to be making money, working, getting life experience outside of my house.

Light's art show was fabulous, and it's good that her Daddy was there. She was kinda emotional before the opening reception and he helped diffuse that. He's good for her that way, probably better than I am. The show is actually up until the third week in March, and Superman and I are hoping to 'swing by' when we go to the Bloggerpalooza in Delaware next month. Yeah, western PA is not exactly on the way to Lewes, Delaware. There's a wrench in the works I discovered today. Sproing's court date is the Tuesday before the Bloggerpalooza and we hoped to arrive in Indiana, PA that day. We will see what we will see.
Here are some pictures from Light's art show.

Light herself

 Light's artwork

It's been a busy week?

I don't know anything anymore.

Diva has been doing her shorter school day for about a week now. The special-needs bus brings her home around 1:00 in the afternoon. She hangs around, watches TV, sleeps in the afternoon. I have no gumption to encourage anything else. I don't know what to do with her anyway. If we talk too much we end up fighting, so I'm trying to stay out of her way.

This is fucked up. This is not how I envisioned my life with my adopted children. Things were going to be so much better than this. There have been lots of missteps along the way. I did what I thought was right for a long time, and of course I made mistakes. But at some point a few years ago (probably five years if I had to guess) the balance tipped. I am in over my head with these kids. I don't know what to do and have no confidence to try much of anything anyway.

I read over the past few posts about Diva. I really do sound like a rotten mother. I have a bad attitude, that's for sure.

Sproing has been in jail for three weeks now. Not sure when he'll go before the judge again, but it will probably be within another three weeks. Superman and I had a good visit with him Saturday. He turned 16 a couple of weeks ago and is itching to try for his drivers' license as soon as he gets sprung from juvie. Yeah, we'll see. Really, I don't know. I think there should be an easy answer, that he definitely should (or should not) get his license yet. But I don't know and haven't the mental/emotional fortitude to figure it out. Or to stick with a plan.

And Twitch is home again. I drove down to Charleston last Thursday to get him and all his stuff. He's here. And pretending to look for a job, but not very hard in my estimation. He wants to go to Cincinnati (I don't know where that came from) to get a job, but he has no money, no prospects, nothing to go on. I told him to get a job here, make some money, do a bunch of research and job searching online and when he's got enough cash to make the move and a job to go to, then he'll be ready to go. He's been moping and mumbling around here since Friday. He helped his dad gather firewood on Sunday, that was helpful.

C moved out over the weekend. Twitch is now in the room C and his friend shared. This is the third time, if I recall, that C has lived here then moved away. This time is the worst yet. "How do you mean, Java?" Well, we had to kick him out this time. The other two times he motivated himself to go and had an apartment to go to. Now he moved in with some other friends and the situation is not ideal. It's a fairly small house with way more people than fit comfortably. Of course that could be said about this place. Also, the other residents have three dogs and there's a 5-year-old kid there at least part of the time. C doesn't deal with children well, and he has little patience for dogs (less for cats, but that's another story). C is a cook at the local Shoney's restaurant and doesn't seem to have any further dreams. He almost graduated from college but quit with two classes to go. Or maybe it was one. I don't remember. It looks to me like his life is stuck in idle and no one is at the controls. The clutch operator went out for a smoke break and hasn't returned in a while.

But he's gone from here, so hopefully that will help him kickstart his life again. He was definitely too comfortable here.

So lots of changes in the past week. In all of these things I feel a degree of guilt. Other feelings, too, but definitely guilt. Maybe it's misplaced, maybe not. Doesn't matter. It's what I'm dealing with. And not dealing well, either. On the other hand, I haven't gotten drunk since my last post. I have been eating too much, though. I feel a lot of pain right now, and I'm looking to food for some feel-good. I had a small ice cream thing a couple of hours ago and now my stomach feels unsettled. It didn't taste good enough to make me feel happy, either, so now I'm just sorry I ate it at all. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who can't eat when they're depressed, but really it's all bad, so whatever.

In happy news (the only happy news around here at all) Light had her Master of Fine Arts oral defense this morning. She passed! And her art show is this Saturday. She says everything is set up and looks good. Superman and Twitch will drive to western Pennsylvania on Thursday to spend the weekend with her, see her show, etc. I'm disappointed that I don't get to go, but Superman hasn't been to see her in nearly two years and I've been twice since then. I'll be here with Diva. Hopefully Sproing won't get out of jail until his dad gets back next Tuesday or Wednesday. So I'm happy as hell for Light, and glad that Superman and Twitch get to see her.

Today, that's all I got.

This is gonna embarrass me so bad when I sober up

*giggle*
I've had a fuckshit day. Lots of meetings (OK, two) about Diva, with Diva. First one, we were terminated from one of the agencies that has been providing psychosocial services for us for a few years. That sucks.

Second meeting was at the high school to determine if all of her fuckups this year are due to her disability diagnosis. She has been suspended for 10 days total this year, which is some kind of limit. If the behavior that got her suspended is due to her being diagnosed crazy, which "we" determined was indeed the case (the school psychologist and her special ed teacher had this figured out before the meeting), then she can't be expelled from school. Poor little bitch. I suppose that's better, since if she was expelled she'd be home all day with jack shit to do except bother me. But the solution that was already in place before the meeting has her with an "abbreviated" day, only at school from the regular 8:30 start time until 12:45, at which time she comes home to bother me. She'll have four classes instead of her current six. Fuck my life.

Time for a new paragraph, although I forgot what I meant to say next. Hang on a sec, it'll come to me. Right, so here's what happened to push her suspensions to the limit. Last Tuesday she got into a fist fight with another girl in the bathroom at school. She actually had this fight prearranged (on Facebork) with the other bitch. (They are all bitches.) Diva's real name is Angel, the girl she fought is named Heaven (except spelled weird, with a "y" in there somewhere). True story. OK, now forget you heard her real name. Moving on - So she got in a fight, with a black eye to prove it (giggle). At lunch last Tuesday. Monday was the MLKJr. holiday so she was off that day, and the previous Wednesday was a half day because it was the end of the first semester, then Thursday and Friday were teacher inservice (non-student) days. She was home for fucking five days before going back to school only to be sent home for fighting halfway through her first day back. Fuck my life. And was home the rest of last week.

I don't do so well when she is home. It's hard for me to get anything done because her negative energy pervades the house. I end up hiding in my room. And I pretty much stay depressed and don't do anything constructive in my house. There are a lot of things I need to do in my house, cleaning and organizing and creating and culling the junk. Can't do that (because I'm crazy too) with the bitch in the house.

Also, got a call from the gynecologist about her today. She had her annual physical last week; they did an STD workup (or whatever it's called) because I told them she had been treated for Trichomoniasis and we needed to be sure the crud was gone. So today I learned from the nurse that Diva has Chlamydia. Either she's had unprotected sex (unsafe sex?) since the time she got the Trichomoniasis, or when she was diagnosed with that at the emergency room, they missed the Chlamydia. FML. I told her this afternoon that she has another STD, Chlamydia, and she shrugged her shoulders; "so what?" WTF?? I think she has no clue about how dangerous STDs can be. Or she just doesn't care.

Fuck. How am I supposed to bring her up safely if she's so damned careless with her life?

She wants to leave this town, never go back to that high school because the kids pick on her. Yeah, welcome to life, bitch. That's really not an option, but when we tell her that, she accuses us of not listening to her. No, honey, I am listening. I realize you want to leave this town, but that's not possible right now. She doesn't get it. She just yells that we don't listen. She cray-cray.

I talked to the resource officer at the school this afternoon, too. Because she got into a physical altercation with another student, the officer filed a report about it. He does that for every physical altercation. (Aren't you impressed with how well I spell "altercation" when I'm drunk? Though I am beginning to sober up some. Time for either another beer (a bad idea, really) or sleep (a good idea, especially this late when I have to get up early and take the bitch to school in the morning).) Which means she's on the Department of Juvenile Justice (DJJ) radar again. Now, it'll take a fucking year for the court system to do anything with the case, by which time she'll have forgotten the incident. (I told you before that Sproing is in juvie jail-light now, right? Over a year after the first offense that got him before the court in the first place.)

It's been a rough day. Superman, being the super man he is, took me out to our favorite beer and pizza joint. We had a really good pizza, and I had two and a half really really really good beers. Hence the drunkenness. After getting home from that last meeting at the school I was very disgusted, downhearted, depressed, despondent. (Oh, and I've been eating my feelings for the past couple of weeks, threatening the progress I've made with the weight loss.) I decided I either needed some good beer (at a good beer joint, not at home because home is where the despondence lies) or a dose of my Ativan. Beer makes me feel happy, Ativan makes me feel pretty much nothing and puts me to sleep. Superman decided beer was the better choice. Don't know if it was, but I got really happy for a few hours. Then I came home and spilled my frustration out here on the blog and now I'm mostly disgusted. But it's late and I'm going to sleep very soon and that will be OK. I'll wake in the morning and... I got distracted by Bach's Toccata and Fugue and a beautiful organ.

And now it's time to brush my teeth and go to bed.

This post brought to you by Bell's Java Stout.

Well, gosh, a lot's happened since then.

There is so much I want to tell you; too much to put in one post. Think I'll just post the latest drama with Diva and Sproing. I also want to tell you about last week with the extreme cold (for us) and other thoughts I had then, which I should have written about at the time but got distracted (I blame Pinterest and Facebork).

Diva: 

Let's start with the lesser frustration. On a positive note, Diva has been quite pleasant for the past week or so. The main frustration is her health status. Last week she woke up in the middle of the night with severe abdominal pain. Diarrhea was involved. She could barely move and was in tears. We called the doc-on-call who suggested the emergency department would be the safest bet. So Superman took her to the hospital. She had a urinary tract infection again (I doubt the previous one ever cleared up) plus a new infection, Trichomonas. Trichomonas, I learned, is a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Oh for pete's sake! Keep your legs closed, child! Her daddy gave her "a talk," told her she needs to inform her sex partner of the diagnosis. I don't think she has. I mentioned it to her, also, and she laughed at me. I don't know who the fellow is or I'd call him.

She's failing most of her classes. Yesterday was the last day of the fall semester, so the failing grades go on her report card. I just looked (ain't the interwebs great?) and she's passing math and computer applications. She failed English, science, history, and her "academic enrichment" class. That last one is what they call a resource class, a kind of special ed class to help the kids catch up on other subjects and get specific help where they need it. Here's the thing: she's only going to benefit from special ed help if she's willing to participate and do the work.

Diva and I had a discussion yesterday about her bedwetting problem. It seems as if she doesn't consider it a problem. She doesn't wash her wet sheets unless I nag her to do so. Before she goes to bed she'll put a towel, blanket, or folded sheet over the part that got wet the night before and go to sleep on that. Which she will wet again, and the next night add another layer. After a while she'll pull those wet things off the bed and drop them on the floor at the foot of the bed, then put on a fresh sheet which will get the same layering treatment for a few days. The rule in the house is that she must wash any wet bedding in the morning as soon as she finishes her shower, putting the bedding and pajamas in the washer. Every day. As I said, she won't do it unless we make her. So I asked her, why do you want to sleep on wet, smelly sheets? What's wrong with you? This is not normal. She didn't have an answer, and I told her to think about it.

Because it's the end of the semester they had a half day at school yesterday and are off today and tomorrow, though teachers are at work. Monday is a holiday (MLK,Jr day) so they don't return to school until Tuesday. And they just got back from the winter break, which was a week longer for Diva because she was suspended the week before the break. The first week back at school she was out one day because of the aforementioned illness. She has been home waaaaayy too much recently.

Diva has terminated her friendship with the girl I didn't approve of anyway (who, incidentally, introduced her to the fella with the STD), so she's not spending time at that girl's house. I'm glad for that, really, except that it means she's home more often. Diva has a very negative energy. I can't explain it any other way. Maybe it's bad chemistry between the two of us, or perhaps she's just very negative. Or both. There is a sense of anger and strife about her that pervades the house when she's here, even when we are otherwise getting along well. It is very sad, but her presence makes me uncomfortable. I try to overcome that, I behave nicely to her almost all the time. She also doesn't like to be here, so that might have something to do with the negativity.

Sproing

Yeah, this one is hard. Do you recall about a year ago Sproing got in trouble with the law? He and a "friend" broke into a church on a Sunday night and stole some candy and the money from the evening service offering. He and the "friend" did pretty much the same damn thing a month or so later. He also had a charge of petty theft and incorrigible child, all of which have been waiting (and waiting and waiting) to go to court. Well, we finally got the court summons last week to report to the family court on Tuesday, 14 January. At 8:30 a.m. Which we did. There was more waiting and waiting. The legal system is good at making people wait.

We finally saw a lawyer from the public defender office at 11:30-ish. She laid out everything to Sproing (and Superman and me) about what the charges were, what evidence and statements the prosecution had, what the possible outcomes were, his right to a trial (with no jury for family court cases) and his option to plead guilty to the charges. He chose to plead guilty. Since he's already been on probation for a previous offense, and he committed most of the crimes charged while he was on probation, the DJJ office recommended he be remanded to the evaluation center. The Upstate Evaluation Center (UEC) is kind of like jail-light. So Sproing left home with us to go to court Tuesday morning and didn't come back home. They took him off to the UEC after court. He looked kind of shocked.

Here's what the state website says about the UEC:
DJJ's Upstate Regional Evaluation Center provides residential court-ordered evaluations for adjudicated juveniles from the upstate area prior to final disposition of their cases. The facility provides comprehensive psychological, social, and educational assessments to guide the court's disposition of cases. The facility serves male and female juveniles ages 11 to 17 from 15 upstate counties and is one of three regionalized evaluation centers around the state. By law, the length of stay for adjudicated juveniles cannot exceed 45 days.  The center opened in 1997. 

I'm struggling a bit with this. It's a good judgement. He did the crime and needs to do the time. What pisses me off is that he's receiving the punishment ELEVEN MONTHS after he committed the first of the crimes to which he pled guilty. Sproing has been doing very well recently (relatively), his grades are up so he's passing everything except his vocational class (auto tech) which he's failing by four points. His behavior at home has improved, he's less argumentative and confrontational. He's still pretty oppositional, but if we tell him to do something and walk away, ignoring his objections, he almost always does what we ask of him. So after working hard to improve himself, now he gets tossed in jail.

I just talked to him. He had his first meeting with his social worker, and she called to talk to me then let me talk to him. He seems to be doing well, all things considered. He asked about his dog and guinea pig, and asked me to get his phone charger and Xbox controler out of his room. I think he's afraid the electronics will be stolen.

We will go visit him Saturday morning. This is the same place Diva was incarcerated about two years ago after she assaulted me and the police officer. So we've been before, we know how to get there. It breaks my heart that I have not one but two children who ended up in DJJ custody. Seriously, when I consider Sproing right now I have a vague pain in my chest, I feel jittery, and my cheeks/tear ducts get ready for grief.

It felt icky being at the courthouse. As I said, we waited. After spending about half an hour with the attorney we went back to the depressing room to wait with all the other juvenile offenders and their families. We were told at 12:45 that we could have half an hour for lunch. That was nice (?). We got back to the courthouse at 1:15 and waited another two plus hours before being called in to the courtroom. The actual time in front of the judge lasted maybe fifteen minutes. Then we went out in the hall and were given a few minutes to say goodbye to Sproing. He gave us his cell phone and the sheriff's officer frisked him. Then Superman and I went into the DJJ office (right next door to the courtroom) to fill out forms and shit. (No, we did not literally shit in the DJJ office.) I looked at the clock on the wall when we started the forms; it was 4:00. That ordeal took about half an hour. So yeah, we spent all day in the courthouse. I tell you, I felt contaminated after that. Sitting with the criminal crowd really icked me out. Had I been on the other side of the counter, as an officer of the DJJ department, it wouldn't have made me feel so contaminated I think. It was being part of the bad guy group that freaked me out.

After that all day ordeal I needed a beer. Our favorite watering hole is two blocks from the courthouse. So yeah, we had dinner with really good beer at The Mill House Tuesday evening.