Comments on my life, or something like it: Please Advise

I hate to say this because it will likely sound cl...

2008-09-08T22:32:00.000-04:00

I hate to say this because it will likely sound cliche, but... S is acting exactly like every other 18 year old who hasn't received a consistent upbringing. He thinks he knows it all, and thinks he's your equal. We all know better, and he will too, soon.

Rest assured YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. These boys NEED to learn now how the real world works. Adults must work in order to live. Work should be done outside the house for money, and work should be done inside the house as contribution to the overall running of the home. That is how life works.

They may not take it well at first, since they have not had consistent discipline from their birth parents, but if you can maintain your reasonable stand, they will eventually see the wisdom of compliance now, and again much, much later in life.

Good for you, Java! You're helping to improve their future lives!

Mark :-)

wow. i think everyone else's advice is spot on. th...

2008-09-06T15:19:00.000-04:00

wow. i think everyone else's advice is spot on. there is not much i can add here...everyone has pretty much covered it.

either s. needs to learn to live by the (what seem like very) easy rules around the house, or he's out. period. life does not hand any one of us easy rides and he needs to earn his keep; put up or shut up.

I haven’t been reading your blog very long so I do...

2008-09-06T14:15:00.000-04:00

I haven’t been reading your blog very long so I don’t know the intricacies of the interpersonal relationships. With that said here’s my opinion. I would not have tolerated S quitting school. S needs to either finish school or get a GED. If S chooses the GED route then he needs to find a job. There should be no freeloading. Does mowing the yard every week really cover the expenses you incur support S? If S chooses not to finish school, get a GED or find employment I would give a deadline for S to find another place to live. You need to be tough. It is only is his best interest. S will not think so but in the future he will see the great thing that you did for him.

When I quite college (I was paying my own way) my father gave me the ultimatum of finding full time employment or being thrown out. I found a full time job and soon moved out. I realized that without a college education I would be working low paying jobs my whole life. I returned to night college that my employer subsidized. I graduated and was soon promoted. I have been working in corporate America for over thirty years now and have achieved a high level of pay and a very comfortable life. I was angry with my father for forcing me to get a job but I soon learned a valuable lesson. Everything I own I bought for myself. All of my success is due to hard work. College is not for everyone. A person can be successful with out college. I have a friend who barely graduated from high school but has been very successful in the automobile industry.

You should not have to defend your level of activity. It is your house. If you choose not to work and your husband supports that decision it should not be of concern to S.

I don’t feel that you need to respond to his accusations but make it clear that you will not tolerate excuses when comes to finishing school or finding employment.

Perhaps I sound like a hard ass. Perhaps I am. I feel that hard work and motivation is the key to a wonderful life.

I have to agree with Greg. C and S are legally adu...

2008-09-06T11:12:00.000-04:00

I have to agree with Greg. C and S are legally adults. If they won't pull their weight around the house then maybe it's time that they find their own place to live...

I can't add much more than what everyone else has ...

2008-09-06T10:59:00.000-04:00

I can't add much more than what everyone else has already said here. You owe him nothing, he owes you respect for taking him in. Most kids today feel the world owes them a living, it is up to you to remind him that things just don't work that way. Good luck!

Indigo IncarnatesWell... for one thing, you ARE do...

2008-09-06T10:50:00.000-04:00

Indigo Incarnates

Well... for one thing, you ARE doing something. You're raising three children that are still under age 18. In addition, you applied for college and will be taking classes in the spring.

I had the idea this morning that S should simply go back to high school. I don't know if the system works in SC like it does in MD, but around here, if you're under 21 and you have the chance of graduating before age 21, the school system *will* take you back. It works that way in PA also, where my lazy brother (like S, but straight) FINALLY got his diploma at age 21.

So... rather than a GED, S should just finish off 12th grade. that would get him out of the house during the day and he'd be doing something useful with his time.

New Rule for the Java Household:"Please, check you...

2008-09-06T10:41:00.000-04:00

New Rule for the Java Household:
"Please, check your attitude at the door or the door may hit you on the ass on the way out.

First of all I just want to say that I go to sleep...

2008-09-06T10:03:00.000-04:00

First of all I just want to say that I go to sleep for what? two days (sick) and I awake and you have written bunches of blogs! lol I have much to catch up on. lol

My feelings and thoughts go along with what the others are saying. Decide how much longer you can put up with behavior, then give him a time limit..job or school. But you will have to carry through with what you say if you don't he will continue. A therapist a long time ago told me that about my first wife...don't make threats you won't keep. Another thought is maybe you could talk to him, when you are both calm and discuss how you have been considering what to do with the rest of your life...maybe telling him that you hav applied...he sounds like he is lost...no direction....we all get there...you have been there....but now you are making decisions...just share those feelings is what I am trying to say. But still, give the time limit.

You are his landlord. He has one week to get a job...

2008-09-06T08:43:00.000-04:00

You are his landlord. He has one week to get a job and/or sign up for a class. (If he can do it in a month, he can do it in a week.) If he does neither, he will find his belongings on the front porch. And change the locks; it doesn't cost much to have all exterior locks rekeyed. This boy needs to learn to have respect, and you have every right to demand it. Oh, and rent is due on the first of the month.

It's your house, so you get to do what you want. I...

2008-09-06T08:05:00.000-04:00

It's your house, so you get to do what you want. It's not S's house, so he doesn't. Simple like that. Don't like the rules, go get your own house.

Don't explain; proclaim.

2008-09-06T07:39:00.000-04:00

Don't explain; proclaim.

first of all, what you do or don't do around the h...

2008-09-06T04:31:00.000-04:00

first of all, what you do or don't do around the house is both immaterial and none of his business. the fact remains that he isn't your child and you're not required to support him. that you're doing out of the kindness of your own heart. his accusations are both rude (extremely considering his own position in the house) and unconscionable.

you don't have to justify anything to him, it is the other way around.

i suggest a simple thing. tell him (with c present) that you can no longer support s the way things are. he either gets a job (and sticks with it) or he goes back to school. he must do so within a month or he has to leave. you also should call him on his attitude, his rudeness and his lack of contribution around the house.

to be honest, i think he's overstayed his welcome and has begun to think you are his servant. he's all grown up and should be shouldering responsibility for himself. to do otherwise would be a disservice to yourself, c and s.

you asked, i gave my opinions. he's being a leech and needs to go.

I wonder if it isn't time to nudge these pseudo-fl...

2008-09-06T02:39:00.000-04:00

I wonder if it isn't time to nudge these pseudo-fledglings from your nest before they are causing more trouble.

It's your home, you don't necessarily have to be doing anything, and I see no reason for you to get defensive, which is probably what S was banking on. You've opened your home to him, been lenient about their paying the rent in a timely way...and it sounds like they have their fill of your groceries, too.

They don't know how sweet they have it. If S can't treat you with the respect that someone who's given him a SERIOUS break deserves, then it may be time for him to see what the real world alternative is.

Perhaps I'm feeling a little intolerant tonight, but I'm a bit annoyed that you've done so much for them and been trod upon for it.

That ain't right.

i think you should listen to your heart. you have ...

2008-09-06T00:40:00.000-04:00

i think you should listen to your heart. you have the answers. i would lightly suggest that some of my greatest lessons in life and the things that led me to the strongest growth were the challenges i have had to face in life. sheltering from realities and fairness is not helpful in the end. more like crippling. boundaries exist in life. i need to recognize and respect them if i want to succeed.