I took a nap. Woke up feeling more rested. Went to the kitchen to "do" supper. There was a variety of food, from onion soup to chocolate chip cookies. Twitch had made the cookies, S had made the soup. Everyone in the house was in the kitchen once I arrived. It was a happy chaos, but chaos nonetheless.
We began the clean up. S and Superman and I did most of it. I was trying to prepare for some baking tomorrow, and I had trouble finding things I need. Superman was putting away the food, and had trouble finding things he needed. Stuff wasn't put in the right place, things had been left out, dirty. Consumable products had been consumed without our knowledge. Empty boxes were left in the cabinets, giving a false sense of existence.
There is a box of zip-closure bags in the cabinet. But wait, it's just the box! No bags inside. Where did all our bags go? Superman just got a big box of bags very recently. There were a lot in here. Where did they all go? How is he going to put away the (whatever it was he wanted to put away)?
Dammit, why can't I just go into the kitchen and do what I need to do? I can't even walk into the laundry room right now because there are plastic hampers full of clothes all in the way. I'm too old for this sh!t. I try to get out there and participate in the opperation of this household, but everything I try to do ends up costing so much extra effort to do. I get very frustrated. And flustered. And stressed. And I lose focus. And I come back in my room and hide while the chaos out there increases.
And then I blame myself for not keeping a closer handle on things, not effectively managing the household. That is my job, right? To keep order and take care of home and family? I don't do that well. Frankly, I suck at it. Then the voice in my head (not literal. Don't call the straight jacket forces on me) begins to tell me that I'm a failure, which means I'm worthless. I can now recognize the voice, and know he has a distorted concept of truth. This is huge progress, really. I should be very glad of that.
Anyway, I'm very, very tired again. I'm going to get ready for bed now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Everyone goes back to school tomorrow, including C, so that increases my chances of having a peaceful morning.
Goodnight
Gay Pride 2009
This is me, babe
- Java
- Greenwood, South Carolina, United States
- The "java" is for coffee, not that geeky computer thing.
a picture of me
Cast of Characters
- Superman- my husband
- Light- oldest daughter
- Twitch- oldest son
- Diva- youngest daughter
- Sproing- youngest son
- C- gay pseudo-son #1
- S- gay pseudo-son #2
Blog Archive
Bits of information that might help clear up some of the muddle
- A bit of background
- 100 things about me
- A brief history of my last 20 years - book one
- A brief history of my last 20 years - book two
- A brief history of my last 20 years - book three
- A brief history of my last 20 years - book four
- A brief history of my last 20 years - book five
- A brief history of my last 20 years - book six
- A brief history of my last 20 years - book seven
- A brief history of my last 20 years - book eight
- Of life
8 comments:
You're NEVER a failure. There are good days and bad. You're learning to recognize the aspects of life which are the greater challenges and may require more or different kinds of attention.
I suspect stress has brought you down and that will make every task seem over whelming and too huge to tackle.
i have my own version of that voice. i have learned to recognize it, acknowledge it, and ask it to step aside so that i may move forward... it always reminds me i need to look at how i am taking care of myself...
Sounds as though you'll need to do an inventory of what exactly is left in the kitchen and then a few new rules that when something is used up let someone know. It's hard to go bake or make something thinking you have all the ingredients only to find some of them missing.
I don't see you as a failure at all. I often wonder how you manage that many folks under your roof. Hang in there and get a good night's rest. Things usually look a bit better after a rest.
Cheer up! You aren't a failure, you are just living in a house populated with children and it will never be under control till you get them out of the house. If then.
I think when the voice starts giving you guff, you need to remind yourself that you an enormously positive influence on everyone that knows you in both the real world and the blogosphere.
Rock on!
Well it sounds like chaos...but that is life. and you are a wonderful woman and mother so you are not a failure.
You don't give yourself enough credit. Every family has moments like that. Just keep you chin up and remember it won't last forever.
Sometimes I see my sister-in-law in a similar situation and I ask her why she feels SHE must do it all? I reminder her that she has 3 teenagers who are capable of vacuuming, doing laundry, clearing the table after dinner, and putting away clean dishes when the dishwasher has been run. It seems intelligent women like yourself and my sister-in-law (who possesses a Masters) somehow feel that if they don't work outside the house, they must work themselves to exhaustion inside the house. It needn't be so. Delegate chores and let others know they are accountable for getting them done. Replace the chaos with organization.
So easily said by someone with no kids, right?
Hugs,
Mark :-)
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